REMINDER: Do Not Beat Yourself Up

Hello my friends, I figured I would post on here to try and give others some reassurance through some reflecting that I have been doing as of late. One of the things that many of us have been doing post discard/reverse discard, etc. is often times we beat ourselves up and wonder how we did not see certain signs that seemed apparent in the beginning of the relationship (ie the idealization/love bombing phase). Or even other signs that may have existed throughout the relationship.

LACK OF KNOWLEDGE: Guys. Listen. Many of us, especially those that are fairly new to BPD/cluster b personality disorders as whole did not even know what this type of behavior looked like or even knew that there was a whole community dedicated to these types of things. If you are unaware of something, there is no way that you can prepare for a threat that you do not even know is there.

YOU ARE REAL/EMPATHETIC: When you are someone who is really genuinely trying to understand someone, you do not instantly look for red flags. This is because many of us are interested in connecting with someone instead of tearing them down/looking for problems with them. And even when red flags are seen, we view it as someone having faults/work to do on themselves (as we all do - but of course later on we come to realize that these red flags would develop into full on abusive pervasive patterns). Since you have empathy, you are giving someone the benefit of the doubt. You do not automatically assume the worst in someone just because of a few rough edges (again I say a few because we are staying in the beginning of the interaction with the pWBPD - of course over time we learn that this “few” turns into MANY).

THE UNCONSCIOUS ENABLING: The majority of us (especially when dealing with a pwBPD) enabled their toxic behaviors in the beginning. But the thing about it, is it is what I like to call “unconscious enabling.” And I say this because at the time when you are enabling/validating them, 9/10 times it is because at this point you genuinely believe that they are a victim. You believe the deceitful lies/stories about everyone around them, and they make you feel comfortable as you are the “only person around that gets them”. So when you enable them, yes technically you are doing that but the context is important. You are are giving them validation under the presumption that they are telling the truth. And why is this? Because as a healthy person you have no reason to believe that they are lying/distorting the truth (which is why the relationships with a pwBPD will always go south with truth tellers/seekers or empaths) because when you eventually see holes in their stories, inconsistencies, or when their actions/words do not match, you then start giving them less and less validation/enabling until there is none at all. This then in turn makes the person no longer see you as a good source of supply as you are no longer reflecting back to them the “good guy” / “good girl” persona that they built up in the beginning of the relationship.

LESSONS TO BE LEARNED: I think after escaping or coming out of a toxic/abusive relationship it is important that we do not allow the interaction with these toxic/broken individuals to change who we are in our hearts. The kind, loving, caring, generous beings that we are. Now, WITH THAT BEING SAID - there are many takeaways/lessons to be learned.

1.) Be careful of who we give our empathy towards, the lesson is not to stop showing empathy - but making sure that it deserves to go to those that wish to become better people through actually doing the work.

2.) Observe red flags, but look for more signs of patterns. Yes again, everyone has faults. But the main thing about people with personality disorders versus the standard person with faults is that their faults develop into patterns which then affect all aspects of their lives (in this case - their relationships with us).

3.) Look out for an excessive need to move the relationship fast / commit fast. I do not care what anyone tells you. If someone has an impulsive need for you to commit to them early, huge sign. Once you commit this is basically their “ok” sign to slowly but surely take off their mask and subtlety overtime reveal who they really are (as now they hooked you in by this point, developed a trauma bond, and now have you committed).

STAY GUARDED MY FRIENDS - WE ARE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER - I HOPE YOU ALL ENJOYED THIS READ AND MAY IT GIVE SOME ADDED INSIGHT/PERSPECTIVE AND HELP WITH HEALING ❤️🙏🏾