When should a man put in the work himself, and when should he seek the guidance of feminist women?

Hello all! A common theme I see in this subreddit is men asking for feminist solutions to problems they’re experiencing. However, these questions are often outside the purview of the most pressing issues feminists are facing and fighting for today (not to mention that many of the men asking such questions do so in an antagonistic or disrespectful way). A common response to such question then is, understandably, to affirm that feminist women have enough on their plate, and it’s the responsibility of men to work some of these things out for themselves. I think that’s true in many cases.

However, I do think there is a flip side to this. Under patriarchy, men are the oppressor class. Therefore, men within this class who wish to fight this system have a responsibility to consider the perspectives of women in their actions, and they may lack adequate understanding of this perspective because they have yet to fully unlearn patriarchal thinking and also are not themselves women. Additionally, as is the case for any ally from an oppressor class attempting to dismantle a system of oppression, men who desire to overthrow patriarchy must become conscious of the ways in which they subconsciously perpetuate it. They may have ingrained behaviors and instincts that are contrary to the aims of feminism. This can be true of women too, but I don’t think it’s crazy to say that it’s more true of men, because they don’t have the same experience of being oppressed by this particular system. For these two reasons, it seems rational and proper to me that a man would be skeptical of his own instincts when trying to live in a feminist way, even in daily living. This may make it difficult for a man to “do the work” by himself, potentially even more so in a group with other men. This can be seen in subs like menslib, which I recall being an overall positive space (I haven’t visited in some time), but which occasionally dipped into problematic rhetoric.

My question then is this: how might a man know when it’s time to put in the work by himself and not increase the burden on feminist women, and when might he know it’s time to ask for information or explanation and not just trust his intuition?