Backtracking M24, F21

Both in our 20s. Long distance. My girlfriend and I have been together for about a year, and we’re supposed to meet this Friday for a trip her mom helped pay for. Lately, (yesterday) I emotionally hurt her, and she says I don’t really understand her character, despite me claiming I do. When we try to talk about what’s wrong, I panic, get defensive, make excuses, and backtrack which just frustrates her more.And in the end I told her she was right and stopped trying to soften what my brother said because I’m in this relationship, not him. She’s bluntly told me she’s tired of hearing it and thinks we’re probably better off as friends and that I have some things I need to resolve in myself.

She’s coming for the trip still, but the atmosphere is tense. I want to show her I’m a genuine person who can be kind and reliable. But I’m scared I’ll just sound like I’m making empty promises or using past trauma as an excuse like a TV ex boyfriend.

Here’s the real deal: I’ve been harsh on myself since I was a kid. It got worse I was called lazy and got yelled at by my brother That “trauma” fuels my panic and defensive rambling when I feel cornered. So I’m extra hard on myself. But Instead of being straightforward, I backtrack to protect myself, but it only makes things worse. I know that actions speak louder than words, but I don’t know how to prove real change without just talking about it.

Specifics: We rarely argue, really. The last time we had an argument wasn’t even this season. The recent blowup was about how I didn’t tell her I don’t have a driver’s license and have a drivers anxiety because of an incident. But I told her I’m going to stop being scared and finally get it out the way because I’m tired of fear being the driver and Its my greatest shame. which I didn’t realize was a big deal because we were going to Uber everywhere anyway. It was until my brother called me out on it like it was a sin that I didn’t tell her and that keeping stuff like this will lead to a break up. I panicked, confessed late in the day, and she said it wasn’t serious and shrugged it off and didnt even understand why I stressed it and said she’s never given the impression that she’d judge me for something. The next day She’s upset I don’t really get who she is, and that kills me. My brother is also skeptical of this whole meetup because I talk about her but they haven’t even heard her voice. He worries I’m not taking it seriously, and I snapped at him. He told me things like do you even know how expensive Ubers are from the airport to hotels, especially at this time you’ll blow your whole check and you don’t even know it.” And then things like now I have to worry about you in the city when I was supposed to enjoy my birthday weekend.” But I made it clear that I didn’t want anybody in my family involved because I knew that even though I told them a week in advanced, I knew they needed a time to prepare and don’t like surprises like this. The comment that really sent her off But what really sat off was how I said it’s not like they’re going to do something to me and how my brother said that did I even think about what would happen if her mom and our mom don’t click together well and I told him I’m not really thinking about that type of stuff because I’m going in with high spirits. When I told her about the moms not clicking part she said it’s not cool to assume things like that at all and it set her off. And then things like now I have to worry about you in the city when I was supposed to enjoy my birthday weekend.” But I made it clear that I didn’t want anybody in my family involved because I knew that even though I told them a week in advanced, I knew they needed a time to prepare and don’t like surprises like this. The comment that really sent her off ed to see her and her family and she said she’ll tell us when they’re there. There was another instance where she was going to a prom for her trade school and she was going with a friend, but by then her school got shut down because of certain funding problems, and I vented to some friends about it from college, and I was upset that her passion being her trade was being shut down and she was a month away from graduating and she was about to go to prom for context. She doesn’t go out too much and I was happy that she was at least going to go to prom because she loves to dance and the moment I mentioned prom to my “friends” they started making it the focus and started looking at me crazy for letting her go with her friend so I dropped them. I don’t talk to them anymore and left the group chat because I knew if I stayed in there it would essentially mean that I agree with them. They were saying she was cheating behind my back and it just didn’t sound like my girl. I told her a couple weeks later because she was already going through something with the fact that her passion was being shut down the last thing she needed to hear was how people were ridiculing me and calling her all sorts of things. Despite all that, she’s still coming here and says she needs to see what I’m really about and will prove my family wrong, in two days. which means I guess there’s still a chance? But she’s clear she wants to see what I’m really about, not empty promises or apologies. I have great concern this went from an opportunity to connect into a reason to prove something. For the record, everyone’s going to meet, her brother, her and her mom are going to meet my brother my mom and his girlfriend. We’re going to a museums , some video game bars and that’s it for the weekend.

I’m petrified of messing this up. I want to stop backtracking, show her I can change through my actions, and prove I’m serious without just talking myself in circles. I hurt her, god I hurt her so bad. How do I do that? What can I do to actually show her I’m reliable and genuine not just say it? And how do I avoid screwing this up when we finally meet? And tell me your thoughts, anything.