i got labeled as a rapist

really long post sorry .. half vent and half advice seeking ;;;; cw for sa/rape. my bpd makes my hypersexuality really bad and it can bleed into my relationships, it's a problem i need to work on n i am working on, but all of this is causing me extreme distress and i've been wanting to do self-destructive / self-sabotaging / dangerous behaviors to cope with it

i (20f) broke up with my partner of 3 years because of them posting thirst traps online and talking about other " imaginary " girls .. i asked him to stop four times and he didn't, and so i broke up with him

however, i also had my fair share of wrongs in the relationship, and our communication was awful with each other, and i am awful at reading body language. i told him about my hypersexuality somewhat early on, so he knew about it. he himself is a pretty sex - positive person and while not hypersexual, he was a pretty horny guy. so we had sex a lot. we came up with a safeword, and both agreed we'd use it if boundaries had been crossed during sex, to let the other know to stop.

now, sometimes i'd ask for sex with horrible timing - in our room when a roomate was home mostly. it was this awful and disgusting hunger, like an extrenely deep hunger, for sex. i hate it a lot, i feel guilty. i don't even really like sex all that much and as a victim of rape it just brings me a lot of shame and guilt.

a while in i checked in with him to ask him if he felt that i was crossing any boundaries, if i was doing too much by begging so often. he told me no. i had even had an anxiety attack at one point, comparing myself to my own rapist, and he was horrified and obviously in disagreement with my statement. he never told me he was uncomfortable until after we had broken up.

in retrospect, i can see moments where he may have been uncomfortable. he would sometimes seem reluctant, but since we had agreed upon the safeword, and he had trusted me, and along with me being fucking obivious to tone and body language, i expected him to use it. he never did, and since i had checked in with him multiple times to make sure everything was okay, and he told me that yes, everything was okay. i never gave him a reason not to trust me - i had told him and shown to him that he could trust me, communicate to me, and if i've done anything wrong i'll work to correct it. but he never told me anything. not just with sex, but everything else in the relationship. he dropped all of this information on me once we had broken up, and by then it was too late.

oversharing here but i feel like i really need to give this context. but back to the sex, i feel like i made him feel pressured and/or pressured him into it. he would sometimes reply positively, telling me "later" in a teasing or silly tone, or teasing me, saying to "be a good girl and wait" etc. he would want to sleep and i'd let him, but continue touching myself - i think at one point i asked if that was okay and he told me yes. but sometimes he seemed tired, and i didn't think twice of it because i thought he'd say something to me, especially since he knew i was hypersexual. and again, since i checked in with him, i didn't think twice of it because i assumed everything was fine, since he told me everything was fine. he never gave me a no or a safeword. i trusted him to use the options i offered (safeword & checking in talks) but he never did and never told me until after. the last thing id wanna do is hurt anyone let alone my fp.

i noticed that throughout our relationship, our communication was really shaky due to him never wanting to tell me anything. he was so closed off despite always claiming how he trusted me the most. so i sat down with him for a talk, asked him to try and communicate better with me, because it makes things really hard for me if he doesn't tell me how he feels or wants. he promised to try better, but even after that he never did. to me that was our biggest issue, and he refused to acknowledge it.

the one singular time he used the safeword, instead of saying it out loud, he used it in a strange sentence and in plural, but i had expected him to just say the word, since i'd never heard safewords used that way before. it didn't register in my mind at all until he told me he used it a few moments after, and i apologized profusely and nearly cried from how bad i felt. he assured me it was okay and that i wasn't being rapey or anything, and told me he'd use it normally next time. that was the only time he used it and i feel awful for that for not realizing he had used it. yes, i never knew safewords could be used in the form of a sentence since i had only heard of them being used solely on their own, but we had a talk about it and he seemed genuinely fine, so i believed him. this happened when we were both 17 and still very new to sex, but i still feel like i should've known better.

now i see what he means/feels. but his best friend is going around town and college and telling people i'm a rapist. as a victim of rape myself, i could never forgive myself if it turned out i did do something so horrible. i would genuinely have to commit, since rapists don't deserve to live, and again as a victim i wholeheartedly believe that statement. we had talked about it after our breakup, and i told him that i begged him to communicate with me, and i trusted him to and assumed he would, and he promised me he would, and then he never said anything until after, and now i'm left with this awful guilt but unable to do anything about it. i had no way of knowing, i trusted him to tell me if i was crossing boundaries, i checked in, i made a safeword, i talked with him, communicated, and told him that he can trust me, and if i am doing something wrong he should immediately tell me so that i stop and do better. but even after all of that it wasn't enough, and now i'm left feeling like a rapist, feeling like maybe it's the truth. it's eating me alive. this was my first real life relationship, and i'm still very new to sex and navigating my hypersexuality while in a relationship, and i fucked up and now i'm scared i'm a rapist. even after we broke up, he told me that i sounded rapey but that he genuinely believed i wasn't a rapist, that we both failed to communicate. i feel so shitty, both mentally and just as a person, i feel like a shitty person. i'm thinking maybe i should do it, since i've done something so vehemently awful, especially after being a victim myself. i don't think i deserve to live and this isn't a mistake that can be excused by "oh we all make mistakes" or "you're young it's fine" etc. i felt like this was the only place i could come to for help with similar people who have bpd and hypersexuality. please be brutally honest with me, don't validate me, tell me what you think upfront and if you have any advice i'd love to hear it. sorry for the long read, it was a lot