I’ve been in a slow-burn relationship with someone who says he’s still healing, and I’m emotionally exhausted.

I (32f) have been with my partner (39m) for about three months, originally introduced by mutual friends. We started out as friends while both going through divorces and built something slowly—emotionally supportive, warm, and at times deeply intimate. There were moments where I felt so chosen. He told me he had feelings, he cried in my arms, he introduced me to his family, he held me during anxious moments and my own healing. I held space for his healing—his trauma bond to a toxic ex-wife, his fear of intimacy, his emotional shutdowns. I never expected perfection, just effort and presence.

But… it’s like every time we get close, he pulls back. There’s this pattern: we connect, we feel light and close… and then he gets in his head, withdraws, and becomes distant again. It’s emotional whiplash. I’ve tried to gently talk to him about it, to show I’m here and sometimes he opens up about what’s going on and the discussion leads to us feeling more connected and understanding of each other.

Recently, we had a weekend together that lacked physical intimacy and presence. I expressed I was hurt, not because I expect sex, but because I felt unwanted and unseen and that his head was somewhere else all weekend. He apologized, said he was tired, in his head, and “processing.” Then he hit me with: “I can’t manufacture feelings.” Which… felt like a gut punch, because he’s had feelings. He’s expressed them. But now, suddenly, they’re unclear?

When I told him I felt like I didn’t matter, his response was, “I’m concerned this relationship is hurting you.” And I get it—he’s still healing and he has been very forthcoming about this. However I’m not asking for fixed. I’m asking for real. For honesty. For effort. For clarity. For not being the only one trying.

He’s said things like, “I don’t know what I want,” and “I’m coasting through life.” But he also says he cares, he loves me, he just doesn’t know if those feelings will deepen once he’s healed.

So what am I supposed to do? Wait around hoping that one day he’ll wake up and fully choose me?

I’ve given softness. I’ve stepped back. I’ve tried space. I’ve tried staying. I’ve tried talking. And now I’m just tired. I don’t want to beg for the bare minimum.

Anyone else ever been in a relationship with someone still healing from a trauma bond? How do you not lose yourself in the process?

TL;DR I’ve been in a slow-burn relationship with someone who says he’s still healing, and I’m emotionally exhausted.