The grief of never belonging

Last night, an old classmate of mine uploaded a photo of himself along with his old university friends. It has been some 8 years since uni ended and they all appeared so happy and content in each other's company.

But looking at that photo, all I wanted was to block him from my feed. Because how can some people have such beautiful, long lasting friendships, sharing all the fun of their youth and responsibilities of their adult lives?

It's not that I haven't had friendships. They have just always been conditional to the things I do for them, and when I pull back, poof they are gone. In my 28 years of life, I haven't known what it's like to be truly relaxed and happy in the company of a friend.

And it's too late now. It's too difficult now, because I have tried but it seems like my friendship radar is broken or maybe it never developed in the first place. I have learned to live alone, but the grief manages to hit at the most random times over what I would have given anything to have and yet others happen to experience it as a regular, normal part of their existence.