College, divorced, and being separated by distance

Background: I’m a 40 year-old father from NY, remarried, divorced for 6 years, co-parenting an 8-year-old son who lives primarily with his mother in a very remote town a few states away. I have a great relationship with my son, but my relationship with my ex is non-existent—we only speak for custody exchanges. The dynamic with her has been volatile and draining: constant conflict, court battles, and personal attacks on me, my wife, and family.

My ex lives a chaotic life—frequent moves, unstable relationships, and a very turbulent home environment. Honestly, it’s a very white trash life (hoarding, garbage, just bad). Awful words to say but that is the reality. My side is quite literally the opposite. Physicians and educated. We have our faults but I’d consider them pretty par for the course in parenting. At the time of marriage I was just very young and very inexperienced. Think chubby, awkward nerd who is extremely non confrontational gets identified as a golden ticket out of town and is ridden out (hindsight that’s how it feels). I try to stay focused on my son, avoid badmouthing his mom, and give him stability and love during his visits. He is always begging to live with me. The difference in homes I night and day and honestly it must be extremely hard for him to reconcile this. He is always stressed at home. It’s heartbreaking, but the courts don’t consider his home life severe enough to change custody—IMO, unless it’s abuse or drugs, the judge won’t budge. I’ve tried custody. Precedent is hard to change.

I’m saving for college and plan to tell my son he’ll be responsible for a portion (skin in the game), me a half and his mom the other half. I know she isn’t saving (she can) and won’t help. I’ll likely cover both shares in the end, but I won’t say that out loud right now.

The Issue: Tuition wasn’t addressed in the divorce. While I’m okay paying for college, I’m not comfortable funding school near his mother, given our history and her behavior. I worry about her continued control and instability and his inability to break free. Also, the school is really a terrible one too. This feels like a “I’ve been through sooooo much shit with this person who abuses me and my wife regularly, there is no way I’m going to continue to fund a life near them while they don’t contribute to it and continue to hurt the kid”

Am I crazy for feeling this way? I’ve fought for custody, but courts require extreme circumstances to act. I’m just trying to do what’s best for my son without enabling dysfunction. I honestly believe he won’t live there for much longer, and even as manipulating and controlling as she can be, he will still want to move away to us. But who knows.