Having a hard time getting over a break up.

Just wanted to let some stuff out, and here seemed like the best place to do it. I'm genuinely just heart broken. We broke up about 2 months ago so the wound is slightly fresh still (considering I've heard it takes "15 months" to get over someone). Together for a year and a half, and were living together for pretty much a year. We are no contact as she doesn't want to talk to me anymore.

The breakup itself wasn't messy, but it was very painful. She had been distancing herself for months. Lack of intimacy, didn't really want to talk much, was always in a bad mood around me. I brought these things up very soon after noticing the behavior and was told she just isn't feeling okay right now and that work is stressful but that her feelings for me had not changed at all and she was still happy with me and loved me. As time went and the behavior didn't change we would have more of these conversations and she started to get annoyed with me for asking for reassurance when all I wanted was to make sure her/we were okay, and if not what we could do to work on it. I'm really big on healthy communication and having constructive conversations as opposed to destructive. But anyways after this went on for 3 months, and some other crappy things happened that just showed her complete lack of regard for my feelings anymore she finally said what I knew right from the start of this behavior change. "I'm not happy in this relationship anymore". To be fair I'm also 90% sure she was at least emotionally cheating on me with a coworker, but it wouldn't shock me if things went further than that based off her behavior. That's a whole other story I don't feel like thinking about rn or ever.

I think what hurts the most is that I knew that something was wrong and she wasnt happy anymore. The way she looked at me. The way she didn't look at me. She used to call me everyday after work and then even me asking to call her when she left work was met with a "no". Just so much dismissive behavior toward me. It hurts that I was pouring all of my love into her, putting so much effort into pur relationship and trying to make her as happy as possible and she just stonewalled me for 3 months and then dumped me. It hurts that it was so easy for her to let go. It hurts that I wasn't even looking for a relationship and she pursued me just for things to end like this. It hurts that 2 months later she still pops up in my dreams, and I still think about her and miss her. Well, I miss who she was when things were good. Part of me hates her for what she did to me. I get not being happy with someone, but to just stop putting any effort or love into a relationship while continuing to let me take her out to expensive dinners, and buy her gifts, while she was so clearly checked out. I know I also am stupid. I knew what was coming but desperately wanted to believe it was just work stress and her feeling low. That things would get better even though I knew in my gut this is exactly how it would play out. But she should have just been real with me. It would have still been devastating but it hurt way more to literally watch her letting go of me until she walked away.

I know there are other fish in the sea. I know things will get better. This isn't my first rodeo. I lost a 6 year long relationship about a year and a half before I met her and it took me a while to get over that one too. Oddly enough this one hurts more though for some reason. Maybe because I actually messed up and caused the 6 year relationship to end, but this relationship I did nothing but love this woman with everything I had. I treated her like a queen.

I'm just sad. It's raining here today (I love the rain actually but it's adding to my sad vibe rn). I hooked up with a woman last night for the first time since being single again and here I am thinking about my ex again. It's not even that she was so incredible or anything (even though at the time I thought she was ofc) it's just the connection we shared was incredibly strong and even though that feeling faded for her it just burned stronger and stronger for me every day. The thought of her being with another man makes me want to put my head through something.

Im genuinely afraid to ever be so vulnerable again. Also, I know now to never ask for love or reassurance from someone who says they love me. If those things aren't coming naturally there's an issue and it needs to be sorted out or things gotta end because I am not going to suffer like I did for those 3 months again. It was driving me mad because I knew what was going on and didn't want to believe it, and she would give me breadcrumbs of hope along the way. Never again. I love so passionately and attentively and deserve the same.

Thanks for reading my word vomit. I just had to let that out. Idk if it actuslly helped any but whatever.