Alone but never lonely. He's always there for us<3

I’ve always been the type to keep to myself, i think that comes with being the oldest child. I never really opened up to anyone, not even to my parents. I don’t know if something happened in my childhood or if I was just born rhis way, but I’ve always found it hard to talk about what I feel.

When I was around 16 or 17, I began to feel completely overwhelmed by everything I had bottled up over the years. I was constantly irritated, constantly angry. I didn’t know what to do with the weight of my emotions

But at that time, what i thought was the worst thing in my life, turned out to be the best thing ever. Because as i re-discovered islam, learning about who Allah really is, I felt myself being pulled towards Him in the most natural way.

I’m not even exaggerating when I say that I couldn’t cry for years, not even when I was alone, not even when my sweet grandmother passed away. I don’t know why that happened or how I let it happen, but I remember only crying twice in all of 2023.

But as i tried leaning into Allah, wallahi, i dont know what happens but the moment i feel sad or depressed, i instantly do wudu and pray, i cry as much as i want in prayer and i can cry for however long i want to. But as soon as it ends, i’m brought back to this world and i’m unable to cry again. I would read a surah and cry, but i can not cry about the things happening in my own life.

I don’t know what exactly to call this, but it’s the one thing I completely rely on. I’m not overly sensitive, and I rarely cry, but whenever I feel the weight of this world crushing me, my heart moves towards Allah, like it knows where to go.

And honestly, that’s the biggest blessing in my life. Alhamdulillah.

Because someone like me, who would rather die than show vulnerability to people who might use it against me, if I had opened up to the wrong person, the fear of them exposing my weak moments would have eaten me alive.

I’m so happy the only one who knows about my weak moments is no other than Allah (Swt) who doesn't expose, doesn't make fun of you, but is the most merciful, and covers your sins.

yeah that's it for my ted talk today i had a random thought and some free time