Stuck alone with intrusive images and wishing I hadn't felt safe enough to call

Ftr, I know this is on me and I'll be past it later, but I'm alone and feeling rough, so I just need to talk about it in the moment.

I get on with my metas and don't struggle with jealousy or insecurity around them. I do still struggle with casual stuff, FWBs, etc, but I've cone a long, long way. We've been together seven years, but anyone outside my metas only started last year, so it was like having to start from scratch for me and it's been a rough road with mistakes on both mine and my partner's side.

Unfortunately for me, Partner has one specific evening free each week for casual stuff, so although I've sorted out my boundaries and asked for parallel on that stuff, I always know the 'when'. I do all the stuff, self care, activity, etc, and generally it's ok now - not exactly my favourite but just a case of letting it becoming a non-event through time passing now.

Today isn't that day. I needed some help with a DIY thing, so I video called Partner. It's how we call, it's their preference that I always feel free to call anytime and if they can't answer (which is rare), they won't. Usually I assume if they can't it's just because they're busy which is absolutely fine. I'd gotten myself really worried about calling without a message first because of the casual stuff - I really don't want to hear someone in the background when I'm not expecting it - but I reminded myself I was overthinking, it's all good and safe, it's not a problem. So I called.

It rang for ages and then just as I was about to hang up, they answered mid-steppibg out the door. They kept the phone down so I wouldn't see over their shoulder, corrected themselves wvery time they turned towards the door. They never don't just answer where they are, never step outside unless asked because it's private. Metas and I happily chat to them with the other in the background. It's pretty clear they had a spontaneous visit from a play partner and I am kicking myself.

It's not a problem with them, I absolutely know it's me and my discomfort. I struggle with OCD and part of that is intrusive images that are incredibly strong and overla whatever I try to distract myself with. Which means until I know the person has gone, my brain will keep up it's own imagined play-by-play no matter what i tell it. I feel like throwing up, and I am kicking myself so fucking juch for being an idiot and believing it was safe to call.

I hate feeling like this. I know it's bollocks, I know I'm loved and safe and all the good things. I don't have any problem with their behaviour. I just hate knowing about it in real time, and that it won't go away until I've seen their face or spoken to them again and I know it's over.

Stupid stupid stupid for calling. I dont know what I'm asking here. Just be with me for a bit or something.