I'm a bit lost...

Hey everyone, i'm posting this rn because i'm a bit lost. I'm 17M who identifies as "straight", yes i know i'm probably bissexual... But it has been a few years since i have this kink for having gay sex (especially bottoming). So yes i'm probably not as straight as i would think i am. However, i've never been attracted to men, like for example, i would never see a man in the streets and thinking, i wanna be fucked by this guy or this guy is handsome. On the other hand, i love women, i've fallen in love with some of them and i'm really attracted to them. Here is the "issue": I have some periods in my life where i want to have gay sex and i really want to. But i never had any sexual encounter with females and after that "gay sex period" has gone i'm like why did you wanted to do that, it's disguting and it would ruin your first time having sex...
These periods also come when i feel a bit lonnely and especially with the female audience. So i'm afraid that this fantasy is only a consequence of the fact that i dont have any opportunities with girls. It's also true that the only sexual encounter i had was with someone was with a guy friend of mine when we were just 13. (We only went so far as masturbate each other). I don't know if that could have impacted me in any way. So yeah i don't know. Sometimes like rn i really really want to do it (i even downloaded grindr for a week talking to guys and almost making it but stopped everything because i was to real) And on the other hand i'm scared that it's only a phase of my life and i may heavily regret it if i make it happen ( i saw that many many many guys were interested i taking my V card where it's true that only few women actually gave some attention to me) Sorry for any english faults, it's not my native language. Anyway thank you for taking the time to read and thanks for your answers And if my situation is similar to what you lived, tell me what you did end up doing !