After years of my swinging w. couples and my husb. watching me w. single men, I had my first (consensual) solo experience - and I don't know if our marriage will recover.

Sorry in advance for the long post, but I could really use some advice, and the situation is complex.

My husband and have a great relationship, and are both still very much in love and committed to each other after 30+ years together. We met in college and have basically been together (with the exception of a year or two of on/off in our twenties) ever since. We got involved in the lifestyle early in our marriage, as a way to enjoy some of the sexual adventure we both missed by getting together so young, and to spice up our own sex life and intimacy. It has been really great and fun and positive. We gradually evolved from soft swap to full swap to him watching me with a single guy a few times. He gets off on the cuckold aspect of it, and says he loves seeing me turned on; and I like the chance to be with (and be desired by) someone new, who's not part of a couple. (My husband would also love for us to do a FMF threesome sometime, but finding that unicorn female for play is hard!)

Over the past six months or so, we'd started talking about each of us trying a solo hookup. He started testing the waters with someone he knows professionally and is attracted to, and I reached out to an old crush who is still single, but it didn't pan out for either of us. Then I went on trip for work, and my husband and I agreed in advance that I could have a hookup with another guy during the trip if the opportunity presented itself.

Well, it did. I hit on a younger guy at the hotel bar, and he was verrrrry interested. (I mean, what single guy says no to no-strings-attached sex with a married woman, amiright?) I told my husband before going any further, to make sure he was really OK with it. He said I should go for it. So I did, and it was awesome -- exciting, urgent, sexy, fun. I loved just being in the moment with another man and not feeling like it was partially a performance for my husband, or that I had to be thinking / worrying about his feelings.

I told my husband about it right afterward, complete with some sexy details. But the next day when we talked on the phone, he acted very sullen and jealous and hurt. He felt left out, he said -- that I didn't involve him enough. He wished I'd texted him during the encounter, or taken pics, or done more sexy texting with him afterward.

But I felt sucker punched and a little betrayed by his reaction, honestly. Frustrated. Because in our conversations about solo hookups, it was clear (at least I *thought* it was) that we were sort of giving each other the gift of a solo hookup because we each knew the other wanted that adventure. We didn't talk about it being a "joint" experience except to the extent that we'd talk about it with each other afterward. (And honestly, I wouldn't want to hear much about it from him.) We felt like the trust between us was solid, and we had so much experience w. swinging, we could handle it. (Granted, the fact that for this solo experience I was far away, and wasn't home for a few more days to reconnect intimately with him wasn't ideal.)

The guy asked to see me again the next night. I said no, though I would have loved to. Meanwhile, things remained tense between me and my husband. When we texted and talked on the phone, he was quiet, needy. ("Do you even miss me?") When the guy asked again, a third night, I took a chance and said to my husband: Would it make you feel better about this whole thing, and take the bad taste out of our mouths (haha) if we had a "do-over" and made it a truly joint experience—something for us? I could text during, send pictures and video, and you can tell me what positions to use / things to do.

He was very into that idea. He told me what to wear (and what not to wear, as in panties), which was hot. And so we made it very much a together-from-afar experience. I can't say it enhanced things for me from a purely sexual point of view -- in fact, having to stop and take pics and text during was a little annoying-- but it *was* sweet and intimate and sexy in its own way. Most important, it seemed to put things back in a good place, and put a more positive spin on the whole thing for my husband. Yay!

And then...I came home. And my husband could barely look at me. Didn't want to touch me. It was awful. He was angry (because he still felt I'd done it all more for me than us) and jealous and at the same time ashamed that it turned him on. There were a lot of messy conversations and tears. Some of the insecurity that came to the surface shocked me - him saying stuff like "why are you even with me?" and "are you even attracted to me?" Things he has NEVER expressed before. And no matter how much I reassured him that I love him, he's my guy, I love our life together, etc. it's like it couldn't (and still can't) fully get through. He allows I didn't do anything wrong; he gave me permission. He just hated how it felt to think of me having that kind of intimacy, separate from him, with another man. (Even though it also turned him on.)

Things have stabilized a bit, but it still doesn't feel quite like before. It's like something in our marriage has broken just a little.

And there's another thing that I think is contributing to that feeling: Since I have been entirely focused on his feelings, I haven't been honest with him about mine. I haven't shared just how much I loved the solo encounters -- how freeing and empowering and exciting and sexy it felt to be with a man on my own. To be, temporarily, not a mom or a wife or a daughter, but just a sensual being. I certainly haven't shared that I am dying to do it again. I just don't think he would be able to accept and internalize that it's not because I'm unhappy with him, or our marriage.

For him—it's now clearer than ever—our sex life beyond the two of us has to be a joint experience, where the ultimate goal is to enhance our intimacy and sex life together. It's a perfectly valid stance. But now that I've tasted this other thing, I feel just so hungry for it. I want some room to have some part of my sex life (beyond fantasizing) that is mine and mine alone. Does that make me a selfish person? A bad partner?

Something has definitely changed in me. Something has been awakened. (And my libido, meanwhile, has been off the charts -- which my husband is more freaked out by than happy about because again, he's not sure how he fits into the picture.) I'm just not sure how to proceed.

I think the only way my husband *might* be ok with me being with a guy alone again would be if I facetimed him during it, or film the whole thing, so that it is "ours." This would be fine, but it would be a compromise. And maybe that's the only option. Marriage is about compromise, right? I don't want to hurt my husband. I don't want to lose my marriage over this. I have no desire to blow up our life, which I love, or to be single. Frankly, though, I'm scared.

So, if you made it to the bottom of this endless post: Any advice would be welcome on A.) How we can heal and move forward and close this gap between us B.) How (or if?) I can put the raging desire genie back in my bottle, so to speak, if/when he says no to more solo play.