I fucked up.

I’ve been living with tinnitus for six years now. It started after a snorkeling accident in Costa Rica, although I had already experienced very mild ringing before that from my time in the Marine Corps infantry.

While snorkeling in Costa Rica, the instructor told us it was safe to dive backward off the boat into the water. I followed their directions, but as soon as I hit the water, I felt a sharp, intense pain in my right ear — like water was violently forced into it. That night, my ear felt completely clogged. When I cleaned it with a Q-tip, there was blood.

When I got back to the States, a doctor examined me and said there was no visible perforation in the eardrum, but the ringing in my right ear never went away. Eventually, I was able to habituate to the sound.

Then a few months ago, I had a flare-up. It didn’t go away, but with time I got used to it again.

Unfortunately, this past Saturday I went to an EDM concert. I was wearing Eargasm earplugs and felt confident enough to stand near the front of the stage. I thought I was protecting myself — but this time something feels different. Since that night, the ringing in my right ear has been relentless. And now when I talk loudly, it sounds like there’s a blown speaker in that ear.

The combination of this constant noise and the fear that I’ve permanently worsened my condition has triggered a deep depression. Over the past week, I’ve been in one of the darkest places I’ve ever known. The suicidal thoughts have been intense. Honestly, the only thing keeping me grounded is my 5-month-old son. He needs me — and he’s my reason for holding on.