suicidal

I had surgery june 12 and was diagnosed after 4 years. everything was excised and I started to feel better after about 2 weeks. at a month, I felt amazing. high energy, improved bloating, improved/reduced symptoms. then, I had a somewhat normal cycle. little pain! I felt amazing and had a renewed sense of life. then I got the Mirena. I have pmdd and experienced immediate depressive symptoms. terrible bloating, migraines, insomnia, fatigue. I cried everyday for a week. after a couple scary moments I begged my doctor to take it out. I felt lighter and more like me. I felt relief. however, I am still bloated and uncomfortable. I am now experiencing mood swings and fatigue. I am also bleeding heavily.

I feel absolutely hopeless. I don’t get why i’m alive. I got teased with two weeks of relief to feel uncomfortable in my body again. i’m now even more afraid of trying new meds and struggling to take care of myself. if the options are suffer but no bc side effects, or suffer from bc side effects, I am not sure what to do. trying to take care of myself but I am losing will.

I am a performer. I used to be very thin and busy, until my bladder/gi/pelvic symptoms took over in college. I can’t eat gluten or dairy or anything acidic. no caffeine. alcohol bothers me. my pelvic floor and bladder are very sensitive and ruin certain performance opportunities for me. my body image issues along with my body issues from endo stop me from wanting to make plans or do anything. I am now in year 5 of college and losing motivation. i’ve given up on my dreams and feel hopeless.

I am so cynical. i’m hoping my body will regulate since the Mirena is out. I am looking into the different birth control/medical options. I am pursuing gi stool/breath testing as well as iron, thyroid, etc testing.

I am 22. I haven’t felt normal since I was 18. I feel very angry and alone. I don’t relate to a lot of my friends or people my age. I am so cynical and bitter. I just don’t know what to do anymore.

I hope things change