Homesick and Missing my Past Life

Try not make this too long. I’ve been crying for days, I’m so sick to my stomach homesick every single day. Not just for my old life in the Midwest, but for what I think is the familiarity and security I felt with that life around me. Now I have none of that as a late 30s male and trying to find some identity again.

When my partner and I (still married) decided to separate I decided I really needed to be in a city where my work life was more balanced. I wanted to be closer to my own family in Oregon, Seattle was the closet option, So here I am.

I never could have prepared myself for what has been a double slam of grief with the separation AND living somewhere completely new where you just don’t really know anyone. That was naive on my part.

It’s literally me and my older dog, who I brought with me in the move. Our other dogs stayed with my husband. Words cannot describe how I miss them so much, and I know my dog misses them,and him, so much the same.

My husband I still love each other, we have no hard feelings towards one another and made all arrangements very amicably, we both want what’s best for each other. I guess I realized sometime I have to stop lying to myself, we will probably never be together again and I need to move on.

I miss my dogs so much. I miss my house and having a yard, neighbors I know. Now living in a 700 sq foot space I rent is very different lifestyle. I’m doing everything alone now. There is no familiar restaurants, it’s just trips to the grocery store and eating by myself. I hardly even cook anymore.

This has been the hardest week of the 4 months I’ve been here. I got super sick and went to urgent care only to be tested for all the normal flu and Covid stuff and not have anything come back positive. I decided then to try to find a primary doctor to get some more tests (figured it must be mono or something they didn’t test for) only to find out no one is accepting any new patients unless you wait for months. That triggered my alone feelings even more.

I feel helpless I and like I’m in a non-reality, like where is my house and my things? Where’s my yard and my grass and my doctor. All the things you spend years building up.

I guess I just haven’t accepted it all yet and the grieving is still churning in me.