My cat has been struggling with FIC for the last few years. We’ve managed it pretty well with diet, environmental changes and medication. But the last month he’s been into the vet almost every week. This week he had his second blockage and luckily I caught it early. My boss (the vet) said that he needed to have immediate PU surgery, they weren’t confident he would be able to urinate again without it and his penis would likely close as soon as the urinary catheter was out. I’m currently on unpaid maternity leave and we’ve been living off of single income so money has been really tight. Euthanasia was also an option but I couldn’t handle the thought of losing my sweet boy so we started a gofundme just to see if anyone would be willing to help, the amount of support we received was more than I have ever expected and it helped cover a bit of the cost. I am still so grateful for that.

They did the surgery the next morning and it seemed like it was successful. I was able to bring him home the next day, my coworker who’s way more experienced went over all of the discharge stuff and answered all of the questions I had. I felt good about it, he was very lethargic and sore but they told me that was pretty normal. I kept him in our guest room and set up a recovery area for him. The next morning at 7am I checked on him and he seemed about the same, I gave him his meds and offered him food but he wasn’t interested. There was only dribbles of pee with some blood but I was told that was also normal. I took care of my (human) baby and fed him, started getting ready for the day and went to go check on and spend some time with my cat. I opened the door and I became very concerned, he was breathing heavily and he started meowing in pain. I looked at the surgical area and it looked the same as yesterday, the opening still looked like it was open and there was a little bit of leakage coming out. He felt colder than usual, I checked his gums and they were a very pale pink. Before I could pick him up he started pacing around the room and he squatted and was crying in pain, he urinated a lot and he started bleeding quite a bit. I put my baby in the car seat and grabbed my cat as quickly as I could. I called the clinic and told them I was coming in and it was an emergency, the clinic was 15 minutes away and my poor cat was screaming the whole time, he was in the passenger seat and I was petting him through the carrier. I had a feeling he was going to die and he did. He let out one last scream and puked everywhere and died. We were only two minutes away. I keep replaying it over and over in my head and I don’t know what happened and what I could’ve done differently. I didn’t want him to die the way that he did he was so scared. If I would’ve known this was going to happen I would’ve had him euthanized and die peacefully, not in so much pain. I keep blaming myself, I wish I would’ve gotten there sooner. I don’t know what happened and why he declined so fast. I didn’t want to see or talk to the vet that was working either so I feel like I have no explanation, she’s just not the nicest and she’s just not the person I wanted to see at that moment. But now my mind is spiraling, I want to know what went wrong and if I could’ve done anything differently. 

I’m supposed to go back to work next month and I don’t know if I can, I was already getting burnt out prior to maternity leave and I’ve also been dealing with post partum depression. My cat has helped me through so much, I’ve had a lot of pets throughout my life and I’ve never had this type of connection. He loved cuddles and would even try to cuddle with my little baby, he was going to be the perfect childhood cat for him. He was my heart and soul, losing him still feels so unreal. I don’t know how to move past this and continue working in this field, it was all too traumatizing. 

wanting to leave field after pet died a traumatic death