Dilemma ‘

I need advise if you can give me any. I don’t know what to do, I’m basically faced with a dilemma. It’s a do I stay Or do I go situation….. So, my mom has been in the Truth her entire life…she was born into it…I was also born into it. However, due to questions about the anointed, governing body, the ransom sacrifice and more that couldn’t ever be answered. I started having doubts. Thank goodness, I never was baptized, I just always studied the Bible And pretended to go along with everything because I really didn’t have a choice. Anyways, I’m an adult now…However, when I was 8 years only my Mom had a massive stroke…caused her to lose a lot of her old self…she was paralyzed on her right side…she was only 34 years old…I always blamed my dad for it because he would always fight with my mom and they would be screaming and cursing in the kitchen everyday and he used to insult her and call her wicked.. my mom is really not though, she’s a very generous gentle giant…artistic, intelligent, and funny. Anyways….. I had a phase after I turned 18 and I started spending time with boys and that lead to me doing things i normally wouldn’t have done and shouldn’t have done. But, I can’t take these things back, I have to accept my past.

My dad kicked me out when I was 23 years old. None of my family would take me in. I had no choice but to move down to Georgia to live with a ‘friend’. It’s been 8 years since I’ve been away from home. My mom calls me every single day. Never misses a day, unless there is a meeting and she’s listening to it over the phone.

I have PTSD I was never diagnosed professionally though. But, I just tell myself I might have it because I always think about my childhood and how my dad would beat me in the hospital bathroom when my mom was in rehab at the hospital and show her the welts on my back. How my dad would tell me to lie to a social worker at the hospital so that they don’t get suspicious. When my mom came home from the hospital after two years, my dad was more and more abuse because there was no one to stop him And my mom just had a stroke. He knew he could take advantage of us. He would spank me every single day after school. He would whip my mom ever day. He would come home slamming the cabinets and telling us he wished we lived in a different country so that he could kill us and get away with it. Funny thing is, my half sisters would tell their mom who is a social worker about the situation and that of course never helped. It made the situation worse.

The dilemma I’m facing is that, I live 1,000 miles away from home….i feel bad for my mom because I’m used to taking care of her and lately when I call her my dad is not home. There is a nurse that comes and takes care of her but the nurse leaves in the afternoon. If I go up there and take care of her I’ll have to fake being a jw again and I don’t want to live a lie. If I stay here, away from home, I feel guilty because I always feel like my intuition is telling me my dad is abusing her in someway. I basically live with a needle in my heart, it’s like a splinter, if I take it out it’ll hurt, and if I leave it it’ll hurt more. I don’t know what to do.