We broke up and now I’m seeing their previous Reddit posts

This post is lengthy so I do apologize. Most of this is to process my thoughts and if you give advice I would love to hear it. A little bit of a background prior to getting into what I found. My ex-partner and I dated for a little over 5 years. We have broke up a couple of weeks ago and currently we are still living together (2 bedroom apartment so at least we are separate). We worked as a partnership amazingly but my sex drive was a lot lower than theirs and ultimately made them feel not desired. I felt at this point in my life I couldn’t give them what they needed to feel loved, so I made the suggestion to break up and it was agreed.

In the past, 3 years ago, an open relationship was brought up as an option for the outlet since I was never pursuing enough. I didn’t want to lose them so I agreed under the follow conditions: 1. If they have partners, no coming into our apartment and 2. I will be made aware of said partners. This did not work out that well, mainly due to the fact where I admitted it hurt my feelings and felt pressured to agree because it was what they wanted, and monogamy began again.

Fast forward to the beginning of this year… in February, I suggested taking a small weekend trip to try and reignite some sparks. While we were heading out, their phone was connected to the Bluetooth and a phone call comes through. I could have sworn, though it has been denied by them, the name saved in the phone was “The one I used to love”. It felt like they rushed to ignore the phone call and when I asked they said it was an old friend from high school. I shook my head as though I accepted the answer but I could not stop thinking about it on the drive. I usually don’t like to do things like looking through phone messages but I really could not stop thinking about it. Once we are checked into the hotel and they go to take a shower, I try to unlock the phone and find out their password has been changed. This password has been the same since the beginning of our relationship. I didn’t want them to know I attempted to go through their phone so after the second try and denied, I give up and leave it. The following day, I asked for their phone to put music on, pretty much to play dumb to say, “you changed your password?”. It worked and when asked why they said the password they had was too easy to guess. Whatever. The beginning of the trip really made it bad for me and I just couldn’t get into trying to reignite the rest of the trip. I should have gotten into it more and I really wish I did so maybe we could overcome the issue but I didn’t and that’s on me.

May comes around and we are planning our 5-year trip. A week or so before we go to the said trip, they admit to me that someone they used to talk to had called them from a new number. I guess the person who they were talking to during our “open relationship” got wayy too attached to them so they had to block them. The call was from a new number. My partner said they wanted to be upfront about what happened and I was very appreciative for that knowledge. But I didn’t know why this was the first time I am hearing about this person. I was never told about anyone and that was something I said I wanted to know when I agreed to the open relationship. I don’t think they ever slept with anyone, but I feel like emotional connections are something I deserve to know about too.

So after the trip, we break up. The break up was never about these past unknown relationships. Something really didn’t feel right so I decided to look on their Reddit page. I realized I have been blocked, even though I have a Reddit account I rarely ever go on and didn’t know that you can still see the profile but everything they post or comment is hidden. This was something I realized last night, this whole time I thought that they would just delete their posts and comments and wow was I wrong. I made a new profile to see what has been hidden from me at least since the beginning of the year when I first noticed. A year ago, they posted on someone’s subreddit stating that they are worried the person they have been talking to wouldn’t like their physical appearance. They described this person as amazing and makes them feel so special, seen and desired. There are other posts too but this is the one that really hurt me. I wonder how many people they have actually talked to. We ended the open relationship over 2 years ago and it seems like they have kept it going since. I always felt like they kept things hidden from me and it almost felt like they were sneaking around but I just kept thinking I was paranoid.

Again, this relationship was something I really cherished. I have been heartbroken over the breakup and felt like I was hit by a cement truck when I went through their reddit comments. I still really do believe that I am the issue in our relationship because I don’t have the same sex drive and don’t need a lot of intimacy to feel loved in a relationship. I know that some people do and that’s totally okay. I have been going through a lot these past few years and it has killed my libido. I have a therapist and was put on medication for depression. I am also in the process of seeing a hormone specialist so I’m working on me.