Genuinely terrified of back2school

I'm entering Terminale grade, so last year of school before graduation in France, and I'm genuinely terrified of going back to school. I don't think this is a phobia, but I don't want to go through another painful year of my mom pressuring me to study otherwise I'll fail my life, teachers pressuring me otherwise I won't go to uni, and clasmates pressuring me to mask the autism everyone knows I have even my mom who's been refuting my doubts and telling me I'm not autistic then coming back and saying she always suspected I was.

I don't want to go to school for 10h straight per day again. I don't want to spend countless hours in the year alone in the school cafeteria playing some offline games and drowning the screams I want to make under music. I don't want to have my passions instrumentalized against me as a form of punishment with privation.

I wanted to go to the gym for years and my mom refused all the time because ''it's expensive'' even tho they charge cheaper than my current archery license. And I still saw my mom buying two copies of Diablo IV at 90€ each, playing 4h and leaving it never to be touchdd again. With enough pressure she allowed me to go at back2school.

I don't want to have to be the weird kid everyone picks fights with. I always become the popular girls' target which escalates into being everyone's target. Even at 16. In my school only my teachers like me. I ran away from my house a few months ago and my classmates used it as a way to skip school by inventing some tales such as ''I saw her at the train station!". From the 32 students in my class, only 1 showed she cared while another messaged me under pressure.

I don't want to see the bathrooms I tried to kill myself inside again. I don't want to see the people who saw me cry again. I don't wanna turn 17 surrounded by people who'd celebrate my death more than my birthday. I don't want the constant misgendering to restart. Again. Again. Again.

I don't wanna show my fucking name to everyone, who will mispell it anyway because it's so goddamn hard to write S-É-L-É-N-A. C'mon it's only 6 letters to remember. I'm not Céline. I'm not Solène. My name's fucking Rayne for everyone who loves me.

Why do teenagers find ways to ridicule me all the time? Why is the fact I hold my arms like T-Rexs do problematic? Why is my love for some classes problematic? Why is it a problem if my English accent doesn't suck? Why is it a problem if I can write you 4 pages of essay in a foreign language without much struggle? I worked hard on those skills, why is it bad?

Why does everyone treat me like a fucking child, like come on I skipped a grade, that's nice, but I'm only one month away from being an '08 baby?!?! I'm from January, not December!

My teenage was shit and I'll have to grow out of it in 12 months or so, or I'll never go through university in one piece. Never. Never. Never.

I hate that my life is constantly ''wait one more year!!'' or ''Well, it is how it is'' as my friend from Spain would put it. I hate the fact my life is graded from 0 to 20 and for skills I'll never use. Why does my dyscalculic 6/20 in maths matter when I want to use my polyglottism (i think this is the word) professionally? Well fuck it AI's gonna translate stuff for us all. I don't have skills for the work world anyway. What will I become? A leech that feeds on social aids for his own gender transition, lack of employable skills and psychological troubles?!