Beginning my Journey of Recovery

I know these posts are probably a dime a dozen, but I hope you'll forgive me for adding another onto the pile.

I'm a 30 year old male, and I've been addicted to porn and masturbation for...who even knows how long now? And it's been bad for a while. It had gotten to be just a daily part of my routine. Did I have a minute alone? I was probably spending it masturbating. Was I bored and scrolling through my phone? I was probably looking through thirst trap after thirst trap on Instagram. Was I playing a video game or watching YouTube? Sure, but on my other monitor I probably had about 50 tabs open of porn, erotica, roleplay, hentai, etc., etc.

I didn't even have to be horny. In fact, most of the time, I probably wasn't. Most of the time, I was probably just bored or antsy or something. All too often, I'd wake up in the morning, shut off my alarms, and scroll through thirst traps while still laying in bed just because I was sleepy and didn't get up. My eyes would have been open for maybe 10 minutes before they were looking at something lewd.

It's tiring, man. I'm over it. I'd really, honestly like to be better. I've even been struggling with ED, which I'm fairly certain is related to the constant mental and/or physical stimulation. I'm tired of having these urges, I'm tired of wasting time, I'm tired of having a shameful side of myself that I have to hide from my loved ones. It's just exhausting living like this and I want to be healthier, in mind and body and habits.

I'm not against porn, really. I do think it's possible to engage with NSFW content responsibly, but it's incredibly clear to me that I'm not capable of doing so. Maybe one day I will be, but right now I am very clearly not. I've worked on recovery before, but I've always faltered. I hate that, but I'm going to give it a real, serious go, and stick to it this time.

I've used an extension to unsave everything from instagram, as well as working to fix my explore page. I deleted my old Reddit account because I had too much porn saved on it. I've deleted things from my computer. Today's the third day of not looking at any porn or masturbating, and even though I've had urges, I've fought them back. I'm making an account here and joining this sub for further motivation, as well as to keep a sort of digital diary.

I don't know if my recovery is always going to be smooth. I may stumble. But I will be better because I have to be.