I have lived in the fog for as long as I can remember.

So I don't really know what to write, every time I try it all gets jumbled. Because either there has just been a lot, or I have been "too sensitive" or whatever.

My life has never had a chronological thread. It is a big blob of fog. From early childhood to present day at 31 years old.

When I think back to childhood I do remember safe times, but I also remember hiding under the living room table after my big brother cracked my head open with a toy at like ~6 years old. Hearing my parents try to calm HIM down - "look what you have done to ArchaiDominion he is so terrified he doesn't know where to go". But not any comfort for ArchaicDominion...
I remember building a cabin with my dad, which I lived in for a few years. But I also remember him telling me that me and my friend playing house with my sister was incestous and illegal (nothing of the sort occured and we were like 7 or 8). I remember him asking me if I am retarded like my big brother when I literally shat myself in fear upon seeing him when he came over after his and moms seperation.

I remember being on the couch with my mom stroking my legs because they were restless. But I also have memories of when she was a single mother with 5 children stressed out of her mind telling us "I don't think I love any of you anymore, I will leave now and we will see if I am coming back" upon which she would drive away for hours at a time. As the mentally oldest sibling I took it upon myself to try and keep us together and functioning, but of course my siblings never listened to me, why would they? So in desperation to keep things functioning I started using violence to "rule them" until mom would come back.

These are just some of my earliest memories, or so I think. I can't place them chronologically.
At 15 my moms then boyfriend gave me weed for the first time, he used to come out in my cabin and smoke "in secret". And at some point he started sharing with me. He came in when me and my sister sat on the couch in the living room when i was 16 or so and just put on porn beside us and started masturbating.

Like these are just a few of the fucked up things I remember, and that is not taking into account that when I was 15 my dad started bying me booze and liquor whenever I wanted. I was practically a functional alcoholic like him by 16. And once I turned 18 and could start shopping online I became a pothead.
I barely remember 19-24 because I was stoned out of my mind all day everyday. At 24 I had a "fuck it, this will either fuck me up for good or help me" and ingested a large dose of magic mushrooms. And had one of the worst experiences of my life. But in a way it was also healing. I quit all drugs and alcohol. I quit my codependent relationship with my dad. I started turning into a functional adult.
Then I met my first "serious partner", a lady with all kinds of disorders. Whom entrusted me with handling her whole life. Which I did until I couldn't and broke up after which she threatened suicide, by then I just called the cops and left my apartment til she was "handled".

After her I was really turning functional, I had a healthy workout routine, I found my passion for scuba diving, I was being primed to take over the family company. And then by 27 I met my latest partner.
The most wonderful woman, or so I told myself. The red flags were there from the start. But I started telling myself "I have been in fucked up places mentally, I can help her heal as well". A track I ran with for 4 years. Through emotional abuse, through physical violence, and towards the end - sexual violence when I was sleeping. I woke up to her "making out with my body" like she was so into it, and i couldn't move, I almost vomited, but pretended to keep sleeping. Another morning I woke to her trying to get me going, and no matter how much I tried to mentally force myself "down" I just couln't. I managed to muster a "fake-sleep-roll-over" on my stomach, cutting of her access. And all I heard was an angry "Tsch!"...
Not long after she kicked me, I had a "panicky/Restless legs" and she got annoyed and kicked me. That was when I decided we were done now. It wasn't the first time she was physical, but I was finally in a place to make it the last.

I have been away from her for two months now, and I feel worse than I did when I was a teenager.
I don't sleep, I have bouts of rage seemingly out of nowhere, especially when trying to sleep. I go from "shut down dissociated" to crying to angry, to "fine" to shutdown. Shutdown is kind of my standard atm.
But this rage I have never had before. Not even at my worst during my teenage years.

I can't focus so I am 3 exams behind in my university education. I have no money and not sure I will be able to pay rent this month.
Its like my mind is just doing the opposite of what I am trying to achieve.

And I freaking hate living like this.
I'm sorry for the rant. It is all just exploding inside and I had to get it out.