hurt someone i love :(

my moral ocd is really getting out of hand. i did/thought/said disrespectful and disloyal things about my girlfriend and i just couldnt keep it to myself any longer. it was like all of it came rushing out and i did it because i WANTED my girlfriend to get mad at me and push me away i wanted to just run and hide. i’ve never felt more guilty and hard on myself then i have this year. and rightfully so, i really wasnt treating them good at times. i’m definitely going to work on myself and go to therapy but i don’t know…. i’m happy i got to at least applogise for it but now it just feels like i valued relieving my own guilt and shame over their feelings and i really shouldve just kept it to myself. i’ve confessed so much to my girlfriend it’s ALWAYS a desire just for my girlfriend because i care about them so much and i felt like i would be hiding things from them if i didn’t :(