Wrong genitalia (NSFW)

Hiii sorry if this is the wrong place to ask, but I’ve had something that’s really been bothering me lately and I just wanted to ask and see if anyone relates?

For starters I was born female, but I’ve been trying she/they pronouns because I don’t really know anything about myself and I want to see what would make me comfortable.

But okay so, I’ve only really dated girls but recently I started seeing this guy and at one point it got sexual. With women I’m already neutral about sex—I think it just feels too intimate/vulnerable for me to be entirely comfortable, and I don’t really get turned on. But I HATE sex with guys, like fucking loathe. I’ve realized that I hate it because they see me as a female, and I feel like I have to assume the “girl” role just because I have a vagina. It makes me feel really weak and grossed out and uncomfortable. I’ve only been with one guy though, but he was like super Christian and manly n shit anyway so it felt like there was no leeway on me being anything but a girl to him.

It’s weird though because I like being a woman! I like people thinking I’m cool and stuff for doing “man” stuff (whatever that means) and being a tomboy or whatever. It makes me feel like a badass woman and girl power! But also I just wish I was born a guy (I want a dick so bad man, it’d make life so much easier), even though sometimes I still like being a girl? I just keeps flip-flopping and it’s making me depressed because I don’t know if I’m happy or not

Just I also have really bad experiences with men and I’m scared that if I transition I’ll hate myself too because I’m a man and I don’t like men all that much. I guess I don’t want girls to feel unsafe around me? And I don’t want to lose my female empowerment if that makes sense? Being a girl is just what I’m used to, how would I even know how to act as a guy?? It’s just what’s comfortable for me, but I don’t know if that’s because I’ve been one for so long and can’t imagine being anything or or that I’m scared of that changing. Fuck I wouldn’t even be able to tell my mom’s side of the family—I don’t want them to cut me off. They’re okay with me being bisexual/gay (everyone but my grandparents at least) but what if that crosses the line?

Life is too complicated and it’s stressing me out