5 stages of dysphoria

1 honfidence - I'm not agp, I'll just wear cute but subtle clothes and minimal makeup, I'm kinda pretty (gets mocked and laughed at every day, gets nearly curb stomped one night on a stroll from work).

2 honrage - I hate youngshits theyre all transbians why do they get to pass when theyre not even trying to attract men.

3 repgotiations - I'm not a woman, I'm just a effeminate fag and hrt will help soften me, I can still be loved by men.

4 dysphoria - I can't take it anymore. This rotten carcass is not mine. Everything is wrong, by bones are wrong my flesh is wrong everything is wrong it's too late I don't wanna be a manmoder please god what is your lesson what did I do to deserve such relentless resentment.

5 rope - holy fuxk, I feel, free. No more dysphoria. No more flashbacks to repping in my childhood. No more crying over wasted teens. No more agony when looking in the mirror. No more comparing to luckshits. No more craving attention from men. No more decades long crippling loneliness. All I have to do is go to the woods and paint the trees red.

um so yea. I'm kinda scared lol. I got everything I need and I'm pretty much done here. Don't want to be dropping a nuke on my loved ones but I can't do this anymore. Every time I cry myself to sleep or cry on bedrotting days I cry so hard my face is swollen my nose is gonna explode my eyes are all puffed up and I look uglier than ever.

It physically hurts, actual agony, when thinking about how much I have deformed throughout puberty and what could've been have I been brave despite severe beatings at the smallest display of femininity, had been just brave enough not to rep and dissociate my whole life away.

The only conclusion I see here is rope. I don't want to be a hon, I don't want to keep rotting on HRT until I'm of such age that appearance doesn't matter as much anymore. I've never even held hands with anyone, let alone anything else, and never will. I'm done.

But something in me is screaming to not do it, and I can't explain it. I've got nothing and no one worth living for. I don't want to enjoy the little things. I don't want to hear platitudes like I'm important or I deserve love when that's all bullshit in the eyes of cissiety. I have no survival instinct. I place zero value on my pathetic life and want nothing more than to escape. So, now that I can, why do I have doubts?

Idk why I'm posting this. Just stalling ig.