From stage 1A to stage 4 and dying in 6 months

I can't even believe I'm writing this.

A 2cm tumor was discovered on my Dad's (71) pancreas in late February of this year. He had a distal pancreatectomy and splenectomy. Pathology showed no lymph node involvement, all CT, MRI and PET scans were completely clear so he was staged as 1A. He started maintenance chemo (Gemzar/Xeloda) because his health was already a little fragile. We were so hopeful they found it in time, it hadn't spread anywhere and he had a good shot of being cured.

But now it's in his bones. Despite his oncologist telling me "Pancreatic cancer doesn't usually spread to the bones." But it's there. He started complaining of rib pain about a month ago and now we're preparing to get him home from the hospital, get him into hospice and say goodbye.

I'm not even sure he'll last that long. He's in so much pain.

This feels like an absolute nightmare. I'm beyond devastated that I'm losing my father. It's a pain beyond measure that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

At this point I just hope we can get him comfortable, asleep and that he goes quickly. I don't want him trapped in this body that is no longer serving him for a second longer.

Our relationship was not perfect and my Dad is a very stern, difficult man. I know he loves my brothers and I and when he was diagnosed, he cried saying he wanted more time. But now he is afraid of going to sleep and still waking up in this world. He needs to go; he doesn't want to be here like this.

I will miss him so much for the rest of my life.