Am I the AH for not responding to her text quick enough?

Hey y’all. I’m new here. I listen to hella Reddit stories but I never really wrote or read one lol. But from the ones I hear on YouTube and ticktock y’all seem to be some well rounded individuals eager to help, and boy do I need some help. I’ll try to make it short but it is a lot.

Sooo… basically I female 30 have been w my fiancé female 41 for a little over a year now. Yes I know it’s a decent age gap, bite me. We all have our preferences… the age gap has been a bit of a point of topic a few times during our relationship. Bit of a backstory… we met on a dating app and talked for a few weeks, and I was really digging her, however she basically pushed me away with non subtle comments, whenever I’d try to make plans with her for the summer she’d say “we will see if we’re even still talking” or “Let’s just get through the week and see”. Idk about you but if I’m taking time away from my life to spend with you and we’re being romantic and vibing and all that and you hit me with constant comments like that it’ll make it seem like you’re not really that interested. So eventually I did pull away and we didn’t speak. I did my own thang, she did her own thang and eventually we ended up back together after a few months of low contact. We do move in together fairly quickly after that. So yea. U-Haul lesbians are a real thing. 🤣🤣

She mentioned before that she’s been told she was controlling sometimes. I mean. I can’t be controlled so I didn’t pay that no mind lol. (I’ve been on my own since I was 14) anyway 😆 I’ve noticed a few things as time goes by, she has a military background so she is meticulous in the things she does and I respect that. But sometimes she can be really mean. I’ve mentioned some plans I had for the future and she’d basically yell at me telling me to focus on what I gotta do now and not focus on the future. Like yelling. Not raising her voice. Full on yelling. And all I’d be doing is eagerly talking about some passion I have about the future. Sometimes when I get excited about something I want to share it w my significant other. And all she does is look at me w this blank stare and be like …. Ok and… what do you want from me? Too many of those moments made me become pretty cold towards her. I mean months and months of that can do that to anyone. I slowly pull away and be less and less loving… I used to go to give her a kiss or some loving and affection randomly and she’d just pull away and look at me like wtf you doing, don’t you see I’m doing something? All she’d be doing is sitting there in bed watching some show on her tablet. I mean I know some people need their space. But damn. Was I just doing too much? 🥹 I get teary just writing this.

We had a really bad falling out when I was almost at a breaking point and we talked and realized we wanted to make this work, she’s going to individual therapy and I’m doing my individual therapy once a week. So we’ve made some progress.. I’ve definitely seen some progress in her. And I too have made progress (because we all can be better) I’ve realized certain things I do can trigger her and vise versa. So we’ve really been trying .. but sometimes we fall into those same habits and I go back into that same sad/cold feeling… idk what to do anymore. Sometimes I just want to end the relationship, because it’s just so hard. And I know relationships aren’t perfect which is why I’m trying but it shouldn’t be this hard right? 😭

Back to the reason why I’m here today lollllll sorry I am going on a tangent. In the year and a half we’ve been together I’ve gone out w friends 3 times. Once at the beginning of the relationship w an old friend, 1 last weekend with a mutual friend of ours, and once today with a good friend of mine I met while in my last relationship. Mine you. We’re talking 3 hours MAX. That’s commute included. She on the other hand has visited friend outside of the state for days at a time, and I let her be. I give her space and time to be away from me. Which I think is important. But do you think I get the same courtesy??? Absolutely not. Because why would I?! 🙂

Today I meet up at my friend’s place, she made brunch and mimosas, we caught up, we vented. It was such a lovely time. I’ve been in a very dark spot mentally for a long time. So when I actually get myself out of the house I celebrate these small wins 🥹🙌🏻. I told fiancé I’d be out 2 hours. At the 2 hour mark she texts me to see if I’m headed home, I was washing dishes since my friend cooked. When my phone starts ringing. I’m like “does that say wife” she says “yup” so I rush to grab the phone. She says “I texted you” I’m like “sorry babe I’m washing dishes rn and I was teaching her about some plants and repotting and stuff. She hangs up. I immediately know. Party is over. I had planned to leave after doing the dishes anyways lol. So I head home and I call her. No answer. I proceed to call her a few times w no answer and well here we are. She says she was in the right to be upset because I didn’t answer and that I sounded like I was out of breath when I answered the phone. Mind you when I went to grab the phone I hit my foot on the chair and I moved quickly so it didn’t ring too many times. So that’s why I sounded like I was outta breath. So yea. She’s insinuating I was cheating or something. I let her have it through text and I remind her that she doesn’t get this type of treatment when she’s out w friends for days at a time. At this point in our relationship I am very tired and I did blow up a bit but I wasn’t disrespectful or anything. I just told her I was so tired of everything. She basically said it’s not about that, that it’s about respecting each others time and staying connected. Mind you. I answered the phone call within 2 rings. I may have not heard the texts or I would have responded. We did plan to go bike riding after but it’s early in the day. We never said a time. Just after I came back from brunch. Mind you. I went to brunch at 11am and left her place wt 1:20pm lol

Here we are. 🙃 I love her but god I am so tired. She uploaded our convo to chat gpt and apparently this is what it said “This is exactly the blame-shifting and minimization pattern you’ve been describing — and she’s doing it in real time. She’s avoiding accountability, reframing herself as the victim, and making you responsible for her comfort while ignoring your responsibilities and feelings.”

Like. Am I going insane here? Please help.