Surrounded by acquaintances that never turn into more

For as long as I (36 F) can remember, I’ve yearned for close friendships. The kind where you can sit around and hang out without big structured plans, where you talk every week and share what’s happening in life.

I’ve had this kind of friendship 5 times before as an adult, always with one person at a time, but it’s always ended in 1-2 years with us drifting apart, once because I moved, once because they moved, once because she met her now husband and stopped spending time with friends, once because she had a child, and once for absolutely no reason I could discern, she just stopped talking to me during lockdown and never responded to me again. Now, it’s been years since I’ve had that kind of relationship.

I’ve never had trouble finding romantic partners, and my fiancé (38 M) keeps saying he doesn’t understand why I can’t find friends who want to show up. When I met him, he was really close with a large group of friends he’s had for almost 10 years. Despite the fact that most of them are coupled up, it seems like they have started doing more and more things without him since we’ve been together, and I feel like it’s me. They are always sweet and hug me and say kind and supportive things when we do hang out, but on the other hand, my fiancé is sad because his best friend chose someone else as his best man, which came as a shock (he’s not having any more wedding party, just the one). He has also been left out of trips in a way he says never used to happen.

You, reader, don’t know me, so I don’t expect you to know what I’m doing wrong from what I can write here. But I’m desperate to figure it out. Even my therapist seems to have no clue why the regular advice doesn’t seem to work for me. I volunteer and participate in community theater, I reach out to people to hang out over and over, I go out of my way to help friends out when they need it. My efforts only ever seem to result in seeing people when I’ve tried really hard to make it happen, but it never seems to result in them ever reaching out to me unless it’s for a big party.

Today is my birthday and my fiancé is on a work trip. I’m alone and just so sad. Last year, I had asked him to help me get our friends over for a bbq on my birthday as my gift. He made it happen and I was elated, but it didn’t feel like anyone would have been excited to come if he hadn’t assured everyone that all their friends would be there, too.

I just don’t know where to go from here. Each passing year just makes me lose hope. I love my fiancé so, so much, but he can’t fill all of my needs for community and closeness. Has anyone else had a similar experience? Is there some other way to make friends that I am just missing? If you have friends you are not close to, is there anything they could do to strengthen their relationship with you? Thanks for reading.