Am I self sabotaging or what’s exactly happening here?

Starting of with the fact that I had traumatic childhood (emotional and physical abuse, neglect) which resulted in cptsd that I’m currently healing, but the question is not really about that… I understand that abuse made me suppress my personality to survive and I never learned who I truly am. Now that my ego is crumbling I need to find who I am, but I feel so scared not in a good way !! I feel like taking any steps further in life or trying to better my life and try new things will get me punished by the universe. Like I need to STAY DOWN?? I know it’s not true but this feeling of “doom” and “dread” and background anxiety is always there.

Is it self sabotage? How can I change that? Some practical advice? It’s been years of this (healing only this year that’s why I acknowledged that obstacle). Some reassurance is also appreciated <3