A shitty life

NSFW for certain topics that could trigger some. It will be in chronological order purely off my perspective. The main people are me(19) my mom(40) my dad(42) and my sister (21) with several others that will pop up.

Starting off in my early childhood we were poor and budget of 70$ a week for a family of 4 with both parents working, most of the time we had to get help from our grandparents and relatives, since we relied on their help so much we all were close.

I personally was very close with my older cousin who is about 4 years older than me. Everytime we visited them I would follow him like a puppy copping all he did for better and for worse. Until I was around 7, we stopped talking about that side of the family and never visited at all. And my sister seemed completely different, instead of playing games outside and talking to me she shut me off completely and my parents turned all of their focus to her. In my mind I became an afterthought overnight. Whenever I tried to talk she would speak over me until I just stopped talking. And a new member to our family was born, my little brother

This goes on for about 2 years before I learned what happened. Our cousin had r*ped her. Learning this messed with my mind, I had some many overwhelming feelings and nobody to talk about it with I tried to shut them down. I also had extreme anger issues, if I got slightly mad I would turn to a blind rage and trying to hurt everyone near. Unable to bare it Every night I would lift my mattress and lay down under it, the weight pressing against me into the bed frame. This eventually worked, instead of being overwhelmed by emotions I shut everything down.

By 12 I forgot how to smile or how to be me. At school I would just mimic what those around me did. And my sister started going down a dark path, turning to drugs, alcohol, self harm, and trying to run away from home. My parents hardly had time for me with a toddler around the house and my sister’s latest addictions. At school I tried to make friends but most kids that age would joke about r*pe or self harm which I couldn’t handle.

Another few years go by and now I’m 15, I real friend at school, barley talking or asking for basic needs at home and visiting my sister when she was In rehab or the hospital after another relapse. We were still close with our grandparents on my mom’s side and one day I started an argument on accident by saying something which I can’t recall. It was a long time coming but they ended up separating and I blame myself for it.

My grandpa took it rough, he was already struggling with health and alcohol and this made it worse, loosing weeks of memories here and there. On the weekends me and my mom would go to his house and clean and make sure he was alive. My sister graduated high school and decided to move in with him to take care of him and be more independent.

She ended up in a bad crowed and got back on drugs, but worse then before, And just disappeared . No word, no note, nothing.

I would constantly stress about where she was if she was alive or safe, and about school since I was struggling a lot. The slightest word could remind me of everything, visiting her in the hospital, cleaning her blood of the knives and walls, desperately cleaning her room while she was in rehab in a attempt for her to come home. It was hell.

She can back one day but seemed like a different person, so small and fragile, one wrong move and she would break like a glass sculpture. I was extremely glad she was alive.

I was able to focus on school more in my junior year and even got into a baking competition, but it went horribly. During the first one I didn’t get sleep the night before because I can’t sleep most the time. I was very drowsy and barely had the equipment I needed since my teacher didn’t prepare it. Midway through we had a lunch break and after eating two bites I fell asleep, being awoken a few minutes later since I had to get back. After 4 hours of baking I was done and comparing my items to the other competitors I clearly lost. The second competition I thought would go better, it was a cake decorating contest. I practiced more intensely and thought I would have a good chance at winning. We make the frosting at our schools kitchen and head to the competition. As I walk into the venue I take out my frosting and it’s frozen, it was left in the buss overnight during a hailstorm, I bend the metal spatula trying to get it out, it’s like pebbles, large clumps everywhere. I put some in a piping bag and use my hand to warm it up, dye it pink and go to decorate, the bag breaks and a judge sees. She laughs and grabs a paper towel to put it on and takes a picture to shows others since it “looked like a tongue poking out” I keep trying to decorate the cake but I can even get a base coat on before the competition ends. I leave the decoration tools with my chef and leave without a word.

I do several culinary class related thing throughout high school, catering events and teaching others, even summer school for younger generations. But after the competitions and one simple dented from my chef “this is not advanced” when I was making a dish, killed my enjoyment of cooking.

Finally I graduated higschool, my grandma got me a chef’s knife as a present. My sister left early since she “wasn’t feeling good” and that night after everyone was sleep used the knife, that I hadn’t even taken out of the box, and tried to k*ll herself with it. The paramedics came and saved her, the cops took the knife as “evidence” and left.

I didn’t know what to do in life and wound up being a volunteer firefighter and enrolling in emt school, the first 6 months the department I was in was filled with people being negative, constantly hating on everything. But after a while the people being negative either left or got fired. So the next few months were great my lieutenant for the shift I was on, who introduced me to which emt school I enrolled in, was about to be promoted to assistant cheif. One day we were sat at the comment area when I made a joke about his wife being r*ped, when I asked he said it was true and he had too look for a new place to stay since someone broke in and assaulted her. Since I felt bad I offered to help him move but he declined.

The night where the city held an official promotion couple firefighters got promoted to lieutenant and he got promoted to assistant cheif, I meet his brother, parents and wife. The next night he was arrested for hiring someone to r*pe his wife.

Turns out it wasn’t a random attack and he is the reason it happened.

Two months later my grandpa died, my last interaction with him I treated him like I would a patient on the ambulance. I can’t remember if I said I loved him or not. My sister was living with him again and since he passed we couldn’t afford to keep paying the mortgage on the house so we had to sell it. I spent two weeks going there pretty much all I could to help get it ready. Usually I wear cologne when out of the house, the problem is my sisters friend who also lived there is allegedly allergic to everything under the sun, including cologne. So when I got there instead of hi or how are you she said “you smell like rainbow shit” and said I had to stay outside all day in the middle Texas summer. I offered to change but she said no, and I had lots to pack so I had to be inside a lot. Eventually she came down stairs and lost it. She said her friend had a headache because of my cologne and started yelling and crying claiming I don’t care or take anything seriously, also said I stole stuff from her room when I let the house inspector inside it. I went inside her room for a minute alone to secure her cats so they don’t run, let the guy in and left a few minutes later.

After her yelling at me for a few minutes I felt tears in my eyes, not wanting to cry in front of my mom and sister I left the house and went to a nearby park where I punched a metal sign till my knuckles bled. To this current date I haven’t talked to my sister and I don’t think I can even if she wants to.

Now it’s the current date, I don’t know what I’m going to do with life, maybe work construction since hard labor is all I’m good for, I have 1 friend that I barely talk to. My mind is filled with constant memories of all the shit that’s happened in my life, I can’t look forward to anything and when I’m looking forward to something shit happens and it’s canceled or a shadow of what it could have been. Most nights I can’t sleep, it’s like the darkness is creeping into my mind where all these thoughts where I’m better off dead thrive.

I don’t know what I should do but I can’t keep going on this way, the loneliness is crushing but every time I try and talk to people I’m remind of when I was always over shadowed and I hold my tongue.

Thanks to anyone who listened to my shitty life story. I doubt there will be a happy ending in my life as it has been shitty since the start.