Am I Wrong for not Wanting my Boyfriend to Get a Gun (Trigger: guns, Self Harm)

Hey Reddit, AITAH for not wanting my boyfriend to carry a gun on him.

For context I (20 FTM) and my boyfriend (21 FTM) of nearly 6 months have been living together for awhile and while things have been kind of rocky because of both of our mental healths lately we’ve been trying to work on things.

Tonight I messaged him while I was at work that I was really anxious and it just all felt like a lot and he then was very understanding, very nice. Well then we got on call to say goodnight because I was upset — I have BPD so I feel emotions very strongly — and with how rocky the waters have felt, I thought a little talk on call to see everything was ok would help ease my mind.

In this call I told him everything that was going wrong, just a lot of small things piling up, and it seemed that everything was ok again. We said our goodnights and our I love yous and then hung up to go to bed.

Well after, he sent me a message saying “I want to get a carry license” and me, who has always had a deep fear of guns (partly don’t know why — probably the amount of school shootings, yay…) I can’t even look at a gun for long without sobbing, plus once my dad pointed an unloaded one at me as a joke and it really spooked me (which my boyfriend knows), I simply said “oh ok” as to not cause issue or stir the pot.

To which he said “I’ve always planned on getting one and know you don’t like them but would like to have one in the house for safety.” I figured that’s fair enough but laid out the following ground rules: “Ok, you need a lock box for it then and like I’m gonna be a lot more of a cunt about even when unloaded not pointing it at everyone cause it freaks me out like a lot a lot.”

He got very mad at this and said that the only time he’d point a real gun at someone is if it was defective and they knew it was a joke, to which I expressed again how freaked I was and the story about my father — he could have forgot as I only mentioned it when we first got together — but then he hit me with the “I’m not your father, I grew up around weapons, I’ve been shot and have shot someone, it would be in a lock box when I’m not carrying it on me, which I will be when I go out.”

Now that is what kind of set me off and made my worry and upset grow. I was on the phone with my friend already and just started crying. Mind you, I’m the only one who pays for the house and he’s unemployed at the moment so I support him myself with my Target job.

I said simply “That’s fine, I’m not going out with you though if you have it on you” — a fair compromise, I thought. He didn’t like that and made me feel like I overreacted, honestly, saying “Because I’m going to carry? Conceal carry, meaning only you and I know I have it plus the safety would be on.”

The safety being on doesn’t help my worry around it, just to be clear. So I said “Yeah, guns freak me out and they aren’t allowed in most places and I’m really really freaked out by them.” He went on a thing about how conceal carry is allowed almost everywhere and that’s why he wants one (I see ‘no gun’ signs a lot when out in town though — we live in the suburbs).

I once again expressed I wouldn’t be with him then in those instances. He was like fine, saying it would be in a lockbox, and I said “Ok, that’s compromisable and fine but I don’t want to see it unless I absolutely have to. That is a firm boundary I have.”

Then he said something that rubbed me the wrong way… “That’s a rule, not a boundary babe. And I get that you won’t want to see it, but you might have to see it and I apologize, but when it isn’t on me it’ll be in the lockbox and I’m going to say for certain I’d want that box near me if something happens.”

I said that I was completely uncomfortable with this situation at all. I’m not good with boundaries so maybe I am in the wrong with that? I don’t know. But he got upset and went “What do you suggest?” So I said this: “I do not want one in my house. I was able to understand the lock box but no, I’m not ok with this, and if that’s a deal breaker so be it.”

Then he went on saying he “always wanted one because of how he was raised and was trying to compromise” but I feel he just was mad at me at that point and upset I still wasn’t comfortable with a weapon like that in the house — especially when sometimes we already have to lock up the medicine to not have an incident.

I said “I am not comfortable with guns at all, I cry at the mere sight of them in a safe situation so I can’t wiggle on this. I will not feel safe with one around.” To which he said “I get that, but I will feel less safe without one around. You will rarely have to see it if at all. I’ll do everything to make sure you don’t see it ‘cause I know they scare you and you hate them, baby.”

I thought it was a nice message and it was understandable to me, but it felt really weird with the anger he had sent before. Finally I couldn’t take it and had to step away from the topic: “I don’t want to know it’s on with things in it all the time, I’m never gonna want to go anywhere. I also don’t think tonight is a good night to have this talk because my anxiety is already through the roof.”

He agreed, but made note to say to make sure we don’t sweep it under the rug, which I didn’t intend to — this is a serious thing and to me it feels like a problem.

I think I messed up here, but in my anger and stress and anxiety I sent this: “That’s fine, I just can’t talk about it right now. I’m upset and flustered and anxious and I need to go have a cry. Goodnight.” And then he said goodnight, I love you, and after calming down I sent “I love you too”… which got a thumbs up reaction.

I don’t know, Reddit, maybe I’m overreacting, but guns really really scare me and the fact that he brought it up on a night he already knew I was anxious rubbed me the wrong way. Also, is it really a rule, not a boundary?? I genuinely don’t know. He’s my first long-term out partner and I want this to work, but I don’t know if I’ll ever be ok with a gun around at all times in a lock box in the house — but literally loaded and near me at all times? Plus it seems like a disaster waiting to happen with both of our mental healths the way they are