Full time service exhaust

My goal was to become a missionary. Loved Thea idea to get the training as Gilead student, I never did. Maybe was the education crave. By the time I had the chance to be in full time, special service. As special pioneer and Bethel. Without getting too detailed, it was a very long journey. I want to say that I treasure my motivation and some good memories. At the other end, the result of my life was such a turmoil. At beginning, I took it very seriously and with so much zeal. I don’t know if was the same situation for all, but I was constantly tired. Exhaustion is the key word. Pushing my limits out the extremes. Overworking during the week, and ministry on weekends. My last years I was depressed and unhappy.

I tried all my life to fit, to be good, grateful, sacrificing myself. Bethel life is not as glorious as the friends see from outside. It is so much work. Being under pressure on higher standards. I tried to stay focused and connected to life, continuing to uplift myself. But is no time. Maybe it does not apply to all, but my altruism a self distraction feature. We have to do more, better and more and better.

Then one day I found my self ill. Burned out. Depression was the official reason I had to leave, which became my own salvation.

I was having anxiety, social panic, depression. I had intrusive thoughts. It was like obsessive thinking. It was a roller coaster ride.

I did got disappointed. Friends that we have been together for decades disappeared.

Only a few counting on hand remains - not because they are JW, but because are good humans.

Now I have an hard time on seeing pictures. It hurts me deeply.

Thank you for being here