does it ever get easier

been together 14 months, she was my first love. now it’s been more than 4 months since the breakup and, even tho i try my best to move on - i go to therapy, try new hobbies, focus on old ones more, go to new places and also to the places we went to together to kinda reclaim them, make new happy memories there, i work, i meet up with friends a few times a week, i’m enrolling in uni to get a master’s degree, i study, hell, i even rant to chat gpt since my friends are tired of hearing about all this - i still feel like shit. whenever i have a free minute, i think of her. thank god, sometimes i’m angry at her for all her toxic behaviour and the way she broke up with me like i never mattered when i was nothing but good to her. the anger feels good because at least i’m not sad in those moments and actually start having thoughts like “this was a blessing in disguise, i deserve to be loved better than what i got from her and i’ll have that love someday”. but dear GOD, whenever a thought of her with someone else pops into my head i get so upset.. it’s like, my brain doesn’t let me just let her go. i want to WANT her to be happy, but i can’t. for now, i want her to be miserable, and these thoughts are destroying me since, usually, i’m not that kinda person, and i feel like a horrible person when those thoughts pop up. i have no idea what’s going on in her life since i unfollowed her and our mutual friends are careful enough not to talk about how she is now (thank god). maybe she’s single and happy, maybe she misses me, maybe she’s with someone new - i don’t know. but damn, it feels like i’ll just never.. not care. i just want to not care about her anymore, to not think about her, to not fantasise about her apologising for how shitty she was to me, i want her gone from my brain. i want to erase the memories and live life like this never happened, or to scream at her and make her feel as bad as she made me feel. the first thing is impossible and the second is something i’d never do, so all i can do is just try to live with this. i’m so, so tired of feeling like this, i’m so tired of having this weight on my chest all the time, of still wanting closure from her because i didn’t get any, of not feeling like i’ll ever find love again and not trusting people, tired of crying and wanting to scream but not being able to, of the damn s*icidal thoughts that pop up even when i try to keep them at bay. i don’t know, maybe i’m doing recovery wrong, or maybe i just need more time, but DAMN i just don’t want to feel like this anymore. idk if anyone will read this but i just needed to rant, and i have no one to do that with. everything hurts and i don’t know what to do with all this pain and all the leftover love and also anger i still have for her.