I just wanna do it again

My heart aches. I miss doing it, but something makes me feel ashamed and heavy. I tell myself that if I do it again, I’ll hate myself and feel ashamed and that’s true. Sometimes, when I feel very low and ashamed, I can’t even walk with my body exposed. I just corner myself somewhere. So, I haven’t acted on these urges for about two or three months I lost count.

My mother told my sister that I used to have a quirky teenage phase and that she shouldn’t be like me. I’m sure she meant self-harm. This only made me ache more. I want to do it again, not solely to prove her wrong that I’m not clean and am still doing it. I don’t know. I feel discouraged, but I want to do it again. I feel ashamed very ashamed.

I didn’t use to be ashamed when I used to do it a lot as a teenager. I don’t know what changed. I don’t know what happened. I didn’t go to therapy, nobody helped me with it, and nobody said anything nice (except a few good friends). I only got called a psycho or other mean comments by my mother over and over.

I feel sick of myself I am very sick