No Hope. IS THE SACRIFICE WORTH IT ?

19M. My life is in turmoil and I can't think right now. My result for AIR is going to be released tomorrow and I am having fear what would happen if can't get in ?

BACKGROUND

I am from village of NORTH PUNJAB where it is backward and nobody priortize education and everybody, as soon as out of mother's womb, want to go to " URAAP" and want to come back to build MANSION because here everybody loves to show off even if it means to kill their future.

My family { Uncle } owns a business in a country and uncle lives there. My father never worked in his life, he just sat and speak shot contrary to every one. He was just a good talker and always had free time. He had many chances to me, my sister, brother and mother to get out of this helhole but couldn't do because he was a lazy person who had a father whom he would cry to and get money. He was eating from his brother because he was the eldest.

I always got neglected and insulted by him because i couldn't fit into village environment as I had exposure to the entertainment. I went to a normal private school. He always insulted me and made me feel bad and sometimes abused me. In 2020, he died having a heart attack because he couldn't keep a stop to his mouth. He always had plans but never executed them.

After his death, I was ridiculed by other Uncle. He wouldn't let me play video games and many other things even if I had completed my tasks. I started to resent him and hated him but since I had no other choice, I had live with him. He has traumatized me a lot. I call these kinds of men "SUPERMEN". They care about society MAASHRAA and people but not about loved ones.

So now I started to apply for UNIs and got selected for FAST but couldn't go because he wanted to wait for the last date and wanted to told me his story about how he ran away from hostel and this that. Fcuk I don't to hear it. And boys this is how I lost my chance to get in my favorite UNI.

PROBLEM

I wanted to go abroad for study as any student with financial assistance would go for. This event of FAST made me think this choice and I talked with my uncle and as expected, he blew over and his fucking reasons " TUM MAZDOR BAN JAYO GE " UDHAR TOILET KHUD SAAF KAARNA PARTA HAI" BAHIR WALON KE KOI LIFE NAHI HOTI".

See, the real reason is they want me to do CSS, THEIR UNFULFILLED DREAM because the couldn't as they didn't make it to 10TH. Their " NEELI BAITI" "PROTOCOL" have made me fucking crazy and living in this house has made me SELFISH and how to lie, make fake receipts etc.

I honestly don't want to live with them but since they are supporting my family MOM SIS BRO so i put up with their shit.

I have become so selfish I just want to graduate UNI and go abroad and never come back but I think of my mom sis brother, then I think if keep thinking about their future, what would happen to my future ?

My mom is educated and smart but the deadbeat father death and her knee pain have taken a mental toll on her. My sister is in INTER and Uncle wants to marry her off as soon as possible because BOJH. Brother is 8 years younger too. I think a lot about leaving them as it is not worth sacrificing my life over them.

Recently things have escalated worse as Uncle checked my phone and saw my messages where I was just angry on him { nothing serious no abuses } and since then he has been acting weird lately.

Some times I think I am dumb as every one calls me in my house. I JUST WANT TO GET OUT OF HERE. These things have been making me question ALLAH and faith and why Allah is doing this to me ? I have a weight problem and every body taunts me when I try to go for jogging.

WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME ?

My mom is saying that you should not even study and just get a local government job and uncle is also insisting.

EVERYBODY IS DESPERATE, SO WHY SHOULDN'T I BE ?