At ground zero. It’s only up from here.

Just a little bit of my story with a hopeful ending.

I’ve been in an abusive relationship before. It lasted 3 years, and ended with me in the emergency room, getting staples my head. I didn’t even have my own room, I was just stationed in the hallway on a bed. I waited for hours on end with dried blood all over my body. I thought that was my lowest I’d ever experience. I was wrong.

It’s funny how someone recently told me we’re given the same lessons over and over until we truly learn them. This time, I’m only 5 months in the relationship. The worst part is people warned me about him. I didn’t believe them. What he was showing me was completely different. Little did I know it was just the tip of the iceberg.

Now I have nothing. I have no more friends. No more ambition or energy. Not even for the things I love, like painting and music. None of it means anything to me anymore. I’ve been in the push pull cycle since June. Yesterday I was seriously considering jumping off the bridge, and that’s when I knew I have to get out of the relationship FOR GOOD. Right now, my abusive grandfather is kicking me out of the house. My senile grandma can’t do anything to help even though she’s on my side. I feel like I’m at a breaking point. Like he delights in the fact that I’m going through this with my family, just so I can run to him because I have no where else to go. And then I’d really be trapped. But I know it in my bones, I can’t go live with him just to escape my grandpa’s dysfunction. I’m just gonna keep my head down and avoid my grandpa until I can move out. I’m done being delusional thinking i can fix my relationship with an abusive man. It’s not love. And it’s really sad, because my grandpa did the same thing to my grandma. She was never able to escape him because she financially depended on him her whole life. Now she’s senile, and paying the price very dearly. I wish I could have saved her. Watching the cycle of abuse play out throughout my childhood has severely damaged my perspective of what love and a relationship should be.

Last month I was trying to leave my abuser. He was stalling for hours, not letting me take my things and go. I anxiously watched him go from punching the furniture, to punching me. I was sure I was going to die that night. He had been physically abusive before, but never to this extreme. He was dragging me, putting his gun to my head and in my mouth, screaming all kinds of things, saying we were both going to die that night. He completely destroyed my phone so I couldn’t call anyone. The only reason I was able to get out was because his aunt came downstairs to stop him. My head was swelled up and my back sore from the punches. And the next day, I still went back to him. Because he was “sorry.” And for the rest of the week, I spent every morning covered up my black eye so I could go to work.

Yesterday I left again. For the last time. I’m tired of the lovebombing. I’m tired of the gut wrenching pain in my heart when he flips out on me. I’m tired of being a punching bag. I’m tired of confusing the abuse for love. My grandma’s not doing so well right now. It might be too late for her but it’s not too late for me. I’m 25, no children (just 2 cats lol). I’m going to honor her. I’m going to stand on my own. I’m going to put my foot down and keep it held down. So when she’s gone one of these days, I won’t feel as guilty. She’ll be proud of me. I’m going to break this generational cycle. I will be the free woman she always imagined of being.

P.s. Since my abuser broke my phone I haven’t been able to get access to any of my contacts, or social media so I’ve had literally no one to talk to. If anyone wants to chat and relate with each other I’m down for that, I’m honestly really lonely. Please reach out if anything ! :)