I'm not even sure if I'm losing my mind or not

I alway thought I was so uniquely bad that no one thought like I did. It's taken 36 years to realize I'm actually a good person. And now other people make sense finally. When I apply my experiences and feelings to theirs they just make sense.

My bf really likes me. Deeply. He is scared he won't measure up. Every second. He needs reassurance that he won't be. That is where is comfort lies. Mine is in patience, honesty and stability. I need him to not go off the wall from something I worded poorly. Every need...something I need to work on...I've trapped myself completely.

Clarity. It isn't at all what I expected. And I still don't know how I feel about the meaning of humanity's existence. I could go either way. But I deeply empathize with people. I'm starting to feel like to an alarming degree actually. I do fall in step. I'm trying to see all my behavior as more average. Given my experiences and struggles.

Idk tho. Calen huh. Why him of all people? He misses having someone who revolved around him. He misses it because it's the exact opposite of what he has now. But when he has one he wants the other. He likely married someone who would take care of him financially because that is what he has always chosen. He loved the sense of family she could provide.

It's all so illusory to me these days. Coming and going. Like my foundation itself is cracked. I never had to be anything. I could have always chosen me. Because no one was really choosing me.

Jorge is scared of me. Scared of how I could hurt him. He wants to be very, overly close but he keeps his distance. You do understand people. Because you remember they are animals. If your cat could talk it'd be just the same. Whyd they do it? They cared, it felt good, boredom, apathy. Idk.

I think I'm deeply jaded after losing my ex. I feel like all those ideals that lead me to her hold no water. That the time we spent trying to change the world were just as pointless as not doing it at all. It had meaning to us and that it effectively is meaningless.

Philosophy is an exercise in control of the chaos of existence. You were there you cared. We both betrayed our love in the end. I hurt you with my words. I hurt you with asking to break up. It was thoughtless of me. I never expected anything I did to have an effect on people. Probably because I convinced myself all the things people said about me were true. So I don't think right about my own actions.

I just hate that 1 + 1 is 2...the world is as gross as me? It's a hard thing to bear.

Idk. It's news. I'm not at all who I think I am. I'm genuinely kinder and more caring than ive ever stopped to notice. I have dedicated my entire life to lifting up others and providing assistance. That's a huge thing people see about me.

They don't see the mental health issues. They don't see the anxiety. Or the self hatred. By all measures they see a self possessed person when I'm at my best. I hope this leads me to less anxiety at least. Knowing I'm not fundamentally evil. Nothing is especially wrong about me. I deeply thought it was.

I'm wrong about most everything and I can simply let the dominoes fall however they like. I can just be me.