AITAH for expecting more from my friendships?

Hi all,

For context I am F22 and all my friends are my age. Within the past few years, they have all gotten into serious relationships and now they put minimal effort into their friendships. We were a group of 4, now we barely speak to eachother or hang out unless I instigate it.

I too have a partner, but we are long distance, so understandably I am going to be more available than the rest of them, and I am okay with that! But what I’m struggling with is constantly being a second choice for low maintenance plans. We used to do a lot of day trips and hangouts aside from our partners and everything was more balanced, but they now don’t engage in anything like that and just spend time with their boyfriends instead. I only now get to see these friends when they have a day off from seeing their partner, such as if they’re busy or in work. When we do see eachother, it’s not to do anything of substance, it’s for a quick pub meet up or a walk once every few weeks. I think I just want the opportunity to make memories with my friends as we are early 20s but everyone seems much happier just being with their boyfriend and nothing else, whereas I need a balance to be happy (and yes, this was still the case when I had a partner who lived in my area).

When I brought this up, I was immediately brushed off and told I was just not understanding that life moves on and everyone has jobs and boyfriends now and is busy all the time, and it’s no one else’s problem my boyfriend lives far away. They also said they don’t know what else I want them to do, as we meet up when they can. But again, this is every few weeks for not even a full evening, and sometimes their partners are brought unannounced and then I spend the whole time asking about their relationship and plans when no one asks a thing about me. I go home feeling sad. It makes me feel that they don’t like spending time with me, but when I raise it they get defensive as if I am attacking their relationship. I just miss my friends wanting to do things of substance.

A few months ago, I asked a friend if she was free to hang out. She responded she’s with her boyfriend and they’re going for a meal and bowling together, but I could come if I wanted. Although I appreciated the invite I thought I was being invited into what seemed like a pre planned date, so I was honestly happy just letting them go and then hanging out another time and planning something different. This was then later used against me, as said friend said I didn’t want to hang out with her and her bf at the same time once so she assumed I would never want to do it again and this puts her in a position of “choosing”. I had no idea that because I had declined once, she had taken it as I never want to hang out with them together, which is not true, but kind of seems like a flimsy excuse for not putting effort in anymore because she doesn’t want to choose one over the other, but I have never once asked her to choose!

I understand completely why they assume I am bitter but I genuinely just want to have that same depth of friendship. Even my mum who is 60 still goes on day trips with her girlfriends, and she’s been married 40 years!

I don’t feel like I’m asking for much, but I don’t know what to do. Maybe I just accept that these people aren’t my people for big plans such as holidays, festivals, day trips, cinema etc and keep them as casual pub friends, but it seems like an awful waste. At the same time, it seems I can’t change their mindset from assuming I am just jealous of them all. I feel quite lost. It’s summer and I’ve been quite lonely. Which is no one else’s problem I know, but it would be nice to have friends to do things with, because I feel like I’ve lost them all.