I have hate and very pessimistic towards myself

It’s been like this for a long time. And now that I’ve entered a spiritual journey it’s become even worse. The thing is, I do the exact opposite towards other individuals. I’m always uplifting others and trying to guide them towards a brighter path and given advice to help other individuals and can’t take the same advice for myself. Hypocrite. I take joy in helping others but damn I can’t do it for me. Does this make any sense? And as dumb as this may sound, I feel better being negative towards myself than faking positivity. The only thing that’s been giving me joy is uplifting others and seeing them succeed. Why try and help better others when I’m fucked? I feel like an imposter in this body. Don’t know if any of this makes sense I’m just speaking my mind.