vent

I hate that even after ive given you so many chances, you still choose yourself.

I hate that i keep crying over you but the second you message me i cant help but write back.

When will your mask come off? When will your true intentions show?

I know everything. I know your plans. I know you plan on leaving me but you’re trying to persuade me to stay a little longer to make your life easier. Again, benefiting you. It wouldn’t matter if my heart was shredded to pieces because you would get what you wanted.

I hate that even after i know everything you’re doing, and understand that you treat me like garbage, i still have a soft spot for you. Why do you take advantage of me?

I want to scream at the top of my lungs. i want you to KNOW how much you have hurt me. I want you to feel how i feel, to be used after ive literally given every inch and ounce of my love.

I hate myself so much. I want to tell you that. I want to tell you its your fault. For constantly leading me on, thinking we would have a future together. All lies.

All i wanted was to be loved, i cant even enjoy movies, shows or books anymore like i used to because seeing main characters in love, and i cant even get the tiniest bit from someone im supposed to be “married” to. It hurts. My heart hurts so much.

And out of everything, out of all of this, I hate how i cant even tell you. Because in the end I still dont want to hurt you. I still think about you, placing your feelings first. Why? WHY?? i have never hated my life, myself so much. Why did you do this to me? Do i deserve this? Why couldnt you pick someone else.

Why did it have to be me? Did i look that stupid to you when we first met? That you thought you could manipulate late me?

I hate that what youve put me through is going to ruin me for the rest of my life. I hate that i cant just move on after ending things because I will never forget the pain you have caused me, the betrayal. Being some stupid girl falling for a one sided love.

Was it too much to ask for flowers? To be embraced? To be called pretty? To have my hand held? To be kissed on the cheek? Was it too much?????? I hate that i lowered my standards so low just for you. Meanwhile you belittled me, you told me to get a nose job. Told me to lose weight. Telling me to practically get a life.

And you know what. Even if i were to tell you all of this, would it even matter?

Why me? All i wanted was love. a partner to spend the rest of my life with. a lifelong best friend.