I wish I was never born

I am autistic, I have depression, ocd, anxiety, social anxiety, and bpd; I don’t want to be alone anymore. I’m fat and ugly, and I want to be skinnier but I also don’t want to bc I have a history of eating disorders and I don’t wanna go back to dieting. I have no friends irl, online friends are good but they’re not the same and most of them don’t rlly understand the shit that I’ve been through. Plus I’ve kinda noticed this whole comparing thing that happens among my online friend group, where they compare all our issues and try to one up each other in a way which I find really annoying. I haven’t had irl friends since 2020, which is my fault, I had a complete mental breakdown in 2020 and pushed all my friends away and said really hurtful things. I don’t see a good reason to still be alive, the only reason I’m still here is because I was raised religious and I’m scared of going to hell if I kms; I am useless to everyone around me and people would be better off without me, also I’m just tired of living and the mental shit that I deal with everyday. My toxic parents don’t really make things easier either. I wish i was never born