My cry into the void. Long read, get a snack.

Apologies in advanced, 10 years is a long enough time for things to be scattered and appear random, and while I don't intend on sharing personal information, events may be recognizable to those involved. To that I'm sorry to say it's already dead and over, I just want to own my story. Hopefully the convergence points both exist and is all in the same place.

To start I (30m) guess, I have been with my STBXW (30f) for 10 going on 11 years split between dating and being married, no kids. We had been married for ~5-6 years and in all of that we only broke up once. I feel this detail will be important later but what do I really know right now. At the start we were both cautious and had both been through some shit before hand. But I was more than willing to be patient and thought I was more than able to recognize what she wanted. I always kinda struggled with reading people/social ques, I tend to misunderstand when someone is done talking a lot especially but I had a pretty good read on her for a while. It was easy to be with her because of that. Currently because of finances, we have yet to properly get the papers done, but we agreed to as she puts it "leave with what we left with" but with obvious adjustments for the last 10 years of getting things together and her being the household earner. I just find the wording incredibly indirect I suppose.

At the time we got together it was hard for me to hold down a job, I woulda been about 20-21 at the time for some undiagnosed issues. Essentially school sucked and I had dropped out, but the school I dropped out from was rigging it in a way I couldn't graduate no matter how much I busted my ass. It was an odd alternative school that had a modification to the typical credit system, but in that they were progressively removing credits I had earned in the past when I'd earn new ones. We broke up in this time for about 8 months, she wasn't exactly direct then either. I asked her a few times after we gotten back together to try and understand what was even going on, and still not really much beyond "We both just needed to grow". I still kinda debate if I actually grew in that time rather than just falling down truthfully- it was hard for me.

Afterwards having to keep with the average social requirements of the average job were determined to just not be sustainable. I'd burn out and get incredibly sick-- fevers, vomiting (or actually rather any way my gut could throw stuff out I guess.), migraines, etc. I truthfully still can't believe how bad it use to be as it's a far cry now even oddly after everything. Turns out I just got some mental issues, ASD-1, inconclusive PTSD (The appointment was more aimed at the ASD-1 anyway.) ADHD, possible OCD, and some other stuff like Depression and Anxiety disorders-- but that stuff wasn't really news in the greater scope. We didn't get a lot of this handled until we had been married for ~2-3 years as we weren't sure if something else was wrong for a while. Because of this, she was the only real financial supporter. I'll admit I was never a fan of the idea but I never really could come up with a better idea that'd actually stick for long. The average full time job usually resulted in me blacking out and someone calling 911 from burnout and exhaustion, then I'd sit on a saline IV for a couple hours and go home hating existence for a bit.

For context on my mind state, often times plans for the next morning would typically send me spiraling and feeling vastly unprepared regardless of how much footwork I put in (And still does, I plan on getting my car and more stuff from the apartment tomorrow which is gutting me like a damn fish, the ashes of what once was.) as I was just struggling to keep everything together for a positive result with no real time, attention, or effort being put towards myself. Now that I knew why getting sick was a common result, and that I have complications communicating and reading/understanding people in certain capacities- I figured that was the end of the metaphorical dark woods thanks to the diagnosis. Most everything else there had some inkling of suspect, say the depression, possible PTSD or OCD and all. I'm a quirky dude that loves tinkering with technology- it all fits.

But because of all of this I have to admit I've never had a great relationship with the vast majority of my birth family. I got unofficially adopted by my high school best friends family because I was always around and helping out. It beat the hell outta whatever I was avoiding or being forced into back at the birth home. In terms of family responsibilities, I was to make sure the youngest (out of the 4 'kids' including myself.) had help with getting to and from school, and help with their homework. Initially it wasn't bad, and I didn't mind typical chores but it was clearly rigged so people were shirking it off and just projecting it at everyone else. Money was hard, it was to the point I was paying bills that had nothing to my name even attached to them, they were all from my birth family without keeping track of the last favor askedt. So everything really significantly stacked up. I was in constant yelling matches with nearly everyone in the home at the time for just trying to get my own ends to meet right outta high school that I dropped out of. By the end I wracked up ~$5k USD in car payments that didn't have my name, About 6 months after that, I had some accounts get compromised and another ~$5k USD was spent through ebay/paypal. Let's just say there was no quick and painless way to deal with that ~$10k total being unprepared as a late high school drop out, and in a lot of ways incapable at the time.

Long term I found out that the bills I was able to pay for the birth family allowed a housing loan (And yes I got the insecure account thing fixed and money returned. That stuff woulda really and seriously screwed me because I didn't even have $300 in my accounts at the time.) for a massive 3 story 6 bed 4 bath house to be built (I don't remember square footage tbh.). I was directly told I was not allowed to move in to this new house- as were the rest of my siblings. But my parents fail at keeping their word most times let alone remembering it so everyone but myself moved back in almost instantly. There were also apparently jokes and rumors going around that my STBXW's chosen brother was the real love interest and I was a glorified blow up doll. Not sure how they didn't feel like explaining something like that, it's just dead hurtful and I considered it to be projections at the time. I however took it all very seriously as after everything I did and that was how I was going to be approached? No, no thank you.

Context for her chosen brother. He prefers men, for starters I guess. But that's not what bothered me as I like men too, just have a bit higher a preference for women. I always struggled with him because he embodied this energy of "Who are you? Never heard of you. Why do you matter? You don't. What's your place? Because it isn't here.". In a good few ways I can see that as him being protective, but it was also excessive. The only times he'd meet me on a human level is when shit went off the rails for me and it somehow even lightly benefited him. There were the odd times my STBXW would just force us to hang out too. I tried my best, everyone thought we were getting close but really we weren't as much. He got more annoyed with me more quickly than anyone else, so I progressively just kept my distance. It's fine for ones partner to have people they talk/hang out with just on their own and he had been around before me.

Honestly it wasn't all that bad at first, we just didn't really talk about marriage because we were too busy still reacting and surviving the world, finding what did and didn't work for what was going on. I'd say generally there were bumps but they weren't really anything I'd consider disproportionate to the context/subject matter. There were things like her car breaking down and costing more than it was purchased for to be repaired, so I just let her use my car as I was signed up for the "stay at home partner" roll as we discussed. But she'd let some interesting things slip. For example, she'd indirectly make a joke about needing therapy for her traumas as they were causing full flashbacks and the like. So while trying my best not to seem confrontational, I asked her why doesn't she get therapy? We had the ability and insurance to do so, and I have been in it and various other doctors offices since I was like 8 years old, and my ASD-1 was misdiagnosed at one point as a form of "micro brain seizures", which truthfully sounds freaky and metal as hell. Glad that wasn't the case. I've actually gotten quite comfortable with most doctor offices and junk aside from waiting rooms and offered help and just pure existence and presence as a form of support in the endeavor. I'll admit I screwed that up royally though, as I unintentionally started applying my values of therapy in her sessions. Yeah I know a real taboo- but all I can say is I came by it honestly because it started as her resisting how unfair she had been to herself for a -LONG- time and for me, my actions would progress without my noticing. I owned it then and I'll own it now, what is done is done there.

Then the height of the COVID pandemic. We half way got married for financial reasons regarding the checks and all going out and her being classified as an essential worker at the time- and to this day I don't entirely regret marriage at that particular time as it did keep a roof over our heads and all. The other half of the reason is we had been dating for about 6 years at that point and living together for most of that time (Even if we never really had a place of our own until the end), so it also just emotionally made sense. I'd progressively try to fix some of my gaps in education and all, try for a few part time jobs for the same effect of sick and fired. It was a good 3-4 year loop of this in between everything until the end, there were jobs she still doesn't know I had tried to keep, let alone interviewed because I was too ashamed to tell her I failed another one. Probably my own cowardice at that point I suppose... I digress. The wedding and all, my birth family was taking hardcore control of everything when my STBXW and I explicitly stated at the time specific do's and don'ts. The typical "We paid for it, so we get some say" crap, but that was such a small part of the day to me. I just never thought (A) I'd be getting married (B) I'd be getting married to her (C) All these people were actually finally in one place for this one reason- and a lot refuse to see each other publicly for their own reasons to this day. I would almost call it perfect...

My STBXW had her own demons to deal with and none of it was new to me really, but I'll likely not share even half for sake of privacy and what little respect remains. But she had a pretty serious case of CPTSD (Which is different from PTSD because it's Complex! Kinda joke, kinda not joke. I tend to defuse that way.) but it was sad and safe to say the demons causing them nightmares were -VERY- real. It'd cause some spiraling and self sabotaging behavior for her but nothing really intense at first. But progressively when ever I felt like things were slipping like bills, chores, time together, etc. I'd attempt to talk to my STBXW hoping to see if there was anything I could directly do to help, resulting in a catastrophic affect more often than not.

On a lot of things while we were dating I just backed off, but once we got married it was kind of more complicated especially considering this far in the story. One tense subject was always kids. I wasn't against it, but I wasn't for it. She totally wanted kids, two specifically. I respected that, and eventually I really came around to the idea. We even picked out possible names, but at the very least if we were to do this- I wanted to make sure we weren't doing what our parents did and jump in without any consideration or planning to some angle. Her father really tried, but he was only able so much being a single parent and not being allowed to really heal on his own properly for a long time. Mine started pretty rough off in terms of money but once it started building they got spoiled essentially and started ignoring the world and most everyone in it. I also wanted to make sure our potential child had at least a room to themselves, space in our very last apartment together was pretty tight as it was. She'd eventually get resentful toward me over a joke she started as she had heavy PMS cramps- she'd say "It's your fault for not putting a baby in me!" and we'd both laugh it off. So I figured it was just a clever inside joke about anatomy. I was very wrong.

Bills after marriage got tough too, because we made both banks joint- hers and mine from when we were dating. But since she was the only one earning, we only got an extra debit card for hers in a 3-4 year span. I've been made aware by her that she had totally forgotten my bank was also set to be jointly operated and also seems to not believe it still is as she never got a card. Sadly different banks, slightly different rules. Whenever she'd snap over it later, it was always about how it's suppose to be her money on an exclusive level. I'd offer solutions on how to make it that way again, but nothing ever seemed to really work out to her.

I don't really care for money all too much as it sits, I just like to keep bills paid, so it's not like I was asking to have a say over every digital and physical penny. But I was immediately okay with attempting some sort of shift via donating plasma, finding a part time/remote job, or even applying for SSI (I have a few friends and family members that receive helpful stability while working on SSI, so it's not a far off concept to me, especially seeing as I have to go about things a bit differently over all.) so the idea was I would be bringing extra money and allowing her to manage her own account. The answers I'd receive were never clear or often even present as she'd often prefer silence. And this would only get more consistent over time, especially the silence..

Over time she started taking trauma therapy after the wedding, she was telling me we were the new found motivation to her self repair and growth. I was all for it, it made me strive to be a stronger and better person too- more than I was already attempting. But eventually bills started getting harsh again, even over drafted a few times just for rent, and had to find another alternative living space- so we moved in with my birth sister (As a note, my STBXW insisted heavily that she was the one to handle paying bills and running the numbers. I realize this now compounded into the "It's suppose to be my money" thing, I'm pretty damn stupid. But I kept warning her I needed a little extra help understanding stuff I suppose.).

I don't really feel like hashing this one hard, because it only lasted like 3 months total. TL;DR birth sister got a bf and they got very territorial fast. I had a mental snap due to this treatment, and we stayed in my STBXW's parents living room for a few months as we got a new apartment, and obviously this cleaned our finances out for like the 5th time. Haven't really spoken to birth sister since. I hear they have a kid and truthfully I am happy for them- from a distance. (If they are specifically reading this, I guess I don't need forgiveness or pity. Just do good for the little one above everything else, please.)

For my STBXW her therapy was very touch and go, she was struggling with simple things and the 'homework' the therapist would give her, wouldn't be done. I know it wasn't my place to really check for it, but there were things that woulda shown up in obvious places and I was more than accepting to just look past whatever she needed to do to heal and grow. It was things like positive affirmation statements written on the mirror or whatever. Or just her walking away to journal or something. Never saw any evidence of these things occurring- then we'd go to therapy for her (Mind she still wanted me to attend at the time) to be stonewalling the whole time. We even tried couples therapy separate from her therapy to the same result of stonewalling. It was frustrating but I kept at it, I kept showing up with the intent of being stronger and standing taller each time for her and for us. Even if I had my own limitations, and I would call this my first real test since learning exactly what was up in my head.

I suppose this brings us to these last couple years...

She had experienced a good few back to back to back family losses. She had a pretty large family, both biological and chosen family. It all started with some chosen family, god parents and the like. Then the circle started closing in like some sorta curse and started working inward towards people with regular contact.. We started progressively fighting harder and more often about some of the most mundane of things. It was to the point that I'd sit and play games for fear of somehow instigating the next fight- and she went on to express very similar feelings. One issue I found was that I was being accused of attacking when I was seeking clarification in hopes of some solid understanding on my part. This in turn implies my STBXW was somehow perceiving an attack. It usually made things way worse so I stopped trying that too.

I know grief is one hell of a thing, especially when it's a rapid fire and multiple occurrence thing, but I know everyone deals differently so I tried my best to let her have space to do what she needed to process and cope with it all. I stopped even talking about getting a job or chores or anything like that for a while, responsibilities of any sort were conversationally and indefinitely off the table for a while. (Side note: There was this huge thing early in living together were we agreed to do chores and things together because she has ways she likes things to be done, and I kinda go for efficiency first, then effectiveness. Without my knowing, I guess this stopped being the agreement, I don't really know.)

She was really close with her grandmother who helped raise her next to her father, and she got really sick last year, and had passed this spring. My STBXW was the poor soul who discovered her grandmother, and the 911 operator made her preform CPR on a corpse ~8 hours old (For reference, not suppose to and it's traumatizing as fuck.), the day after seeing her on my STBXW's birthday. It crushes me still knowing all of that. I should have been there more, and in hindsight I probably should have kept them regrets a bit more quiet, it was likely like picking at a scab.

The very minute of learning this, I had packed my dog up in his harness (We got him as an Emotional Support Animal for me back in October. I love the shit head with everything I have left and was thankfully able to take him, she didn't want him over her small dog who didn't really like me anyway.) and started walking ~4 miles to her grandmothers place as she had the only car at the time and my dog was still destructive when left alone (He since broke the habit, good boy!).

The issue is we were pretty central down town, and the corner where we were located had very few sidewalks in that direction. My dog is well behaved most times, but he is most chaotic on walks, and especially around other dogs. He ain't dangerous or anything, he just appears to have some real hard ADHD with hyper focus issues. Compound that with heavy traffic flow, and road work and this made the trek there absolutely dangerous as it turns out. I couldn't even get half way before the calls got consistently too close, so I had to tell her (Over the intense roar of traffic and road work, so it sounded like agro yelling) that this wasn't gonna work. I hung up, focused on getting back home and as soon as I closed the door I started getting really stress sick. I passed out on the bathroom floor, leash dangling from my dogs harness for what appeared to be 2 and a half hours when I checked my phone. As I started to get back on my feet, she tries to set up a ride, but I didn't think I could manage it without being in the bathroom the whole time- which was more or less off limits until the coroner and all arrived.

I can still hear her screaming at me "I just need you!"... I honestly wasn't conscious for much longer after that for that week. The next 5 or so days I wasn't doing great at all. As soon as I could come to ease over one situation, the other would stab me in the heart. If it wasn't my inability to get there, it was my inability to comprehend what had actually happened. I didn't really get along with her grandmother, like most her family. But I respected her because her number one goal was always to protect and nurture. Like a true mother would. To this day, I still hold on to that and wish I coulda apologized for all the stupid shit. She died thinking I hated her, and I didn't.

My STBXW's chosen brother was staying with us when he got the news, as he would. He too had ties. I was then sick for the next 5 or so days off of the conflict. My inability to be there in that moment or my inability to understand the moment. It was a tornado in my head causing my body to reject itself. I even thought it was about time to cuddle an IV bag for old times sake, but I decided to just keep quiet and play some games for a day or two to take it easy. She didn't like that at all either, but that's when the fighting got the worst. My STBXW told me she resented me for not being able to be there. Like I didn't understand how screwed the whole situation was. I even told her my own health fears and it was approached with the "Then do something about it, RIGHT NOW" attitude, to which her brother would also pile on.

We use to every so often mention divorce in fights (I know, taboo...) but it chilled out for a long while then instantly picked up just then. I had a hard time taking a lot of it seriously because of how angry we'd be getting, it's no secret people say things they don't mean. I shoulda been ready for what she did mean. She'd start throwing things, tossing furniture, eventually hurting herself by hitting herself. I am guilty of breaking down similarly in some of my worst of times, so I didn't think much of this other than I hate seeing her in this state. I wish there was anything I was allowed to do anymore. I tried to address and keep mindful of this the best I could going forward but spoiler alert I guess- she already made up her mind. The death of her grandmother was the death of us.

The final weeks... After things chilled out and we had time to talk about things alone, we agreed to try and help nurture things. Try and keep them from getting worse because it was already really bad. But it became clear that she just wasn't committed anymore. She wouldn't engage with anything anymore. No TV or games together. She always talked about wanting to go on a hike or whatever. But I wasn't really sure of any good spots, so I'd tell her I was game for wherever she picked. None of it really worked, she'd rather death/doom scroll on her phone than anything else. In bed, it was much of the same. No intimacy, no cuddling, no talking, no just sitting and staring anymore. It all just... Left? I rationalized it as her trauma therapy having some small side effects, as it started getting kinda intense from what I was told as I was kept from attending anymore for almost the past year for my overstepping- and rightfully so. Pretty sure this was a cover in hindsight.

She claimed she needed some space to sort her head with everything that had happened, and that made perfect sense to me, even if I ain't exactly the type that does space. Both for my own processing and abandonment issues. I stayed with my adopted family for a week or so, and what I kept fighting with was the idea that this was some test for divorce or there was someone else (That one still lives in my head). She kept texting me telling me she missed me too, and that she still loved me and couldn't wait for me to come home. I really thought this was what she really needed after all, and that let me fight the dark ideas.

The final days... The week back with my STBXW was actually nice, I cleaned the apartment for her, cooked dinner constantly, was making a larger effort to show up differently to her. I kicked it into full time house husband mode. She seemed to actually appreciate it, we even had some fun in bed for the first time in a while. But I noticed she wasn't saying "thank you" directly or really approaching me about anything, she was distinctly saying "I appreciate it" only. Again I rationalized it as therapy stuff. But there was a very small form of engagement there. As usual some odd stuff popped up though, like for example she is a bit of a heavy set person- and has been trying really hard to fix that. When she'd try and show me pictures of the dogs or something, occasionally I'd see sexually posed yet clothed pictures of her that I don't remember seeing- she use to be extremely open about that stuff as I'd try and be as supportive as possible. To this day that sits in my head as "There was already someone else". But to clarify I don't think she cheated as much as she may have received some advances and let it continue, not hating it. Eventually leading into replacement territory I suppose.

But eventually I confronted her on why she's been so distant. She'd just death scroll for days when she was at home, every sign was showing she did NOT wanna be in this space. The interesting pictures in between the camera rolls. Of course this bothered me. She told me she didn't know what she wanted and it felt like something she couldn't name was calling to her. I kinda took the hints but thought it was a phase of sorts considering the nothing but loss for the last year plus. So trying not to accept the final nail in the coffin, I start really trying to figure out how to market my skills for a job that I could likely bring home bank with. I realized I coulda been the real income earner this whole time had I known my hand well enough to play it. I coulda taken all that pressure off of her. I actually still intend on following that path regardless of my STBXW. But I understand how she could have felt betrayed off of this, but I didn't even understand or know either. I got about 3 days in, and my nerves were really killing me. I was almost back to my early 20's with how sick I was getting, but I tried to push through. I hadn't eaten in about a week, just mostly small snacks and probably not as often as I should have.

The final moments... I thought she got upset about dinner, and I could not have been more wrong. I like to think "wrong" isn't a binary value, it is a spectrum. One can be sorta wrong, or VERY damn wrong. Not this one time, there was only one result. REALLY DAMN WRONG. I burnt out from trying to refine my resume that day, and started playing some games before bed. I had an open SSI application as from what I understood, this would be the best help we could get until I can land a job that'd be willing to work with me. But we both underestimated how long it'd take for this to gain traction. Our attempts in the past usually had some sort of conclusion in 3 months, and we were usually moving or dealing with an emergency to not be able to appeal. It was like that for a few years too. I had set in my application that at that time I wasn't looking for employment, but things can change. That particular change needed to wait until Monday as even the website goes off of business hours. I asked if she could wait for that, then all of a sudden the atom bomb dropped... "I don't think I can. I don't think I can ask you do anything I need without it killing you." And I assumed that had to do with the job thing, so I showed her everything I had been up to. It didn't matter, because that's still not what she was talking about. Little did I know this was a follow up, a part B to a conversation of the past when her grandmother passed. In full confidence, she said "I am pretty sure I want a divorce. I feel that if I try and stay, things will only get worse, and I'll be pushed to cheat on you." Gunshots in my ears. I knew she'd said that so that I'd have no way to fix what was really going on, so that the damage appeared permanent, even if it may have been her feelings. I was still somewhat under the impression this was over dinner.

I tried to reason, I tried to rationalize, I tried to beg, I tried to plead... I had always thought I have given this more than 100% of my being, and I maybe did. I also thought that we'd fight for each other no matter what came up. But she wasn't hearing any of it anymore. She wasn't yelling, she wasn't throwing things, she just sat there stone faced. It had become very clear to me she had already walked out of this likely months ago. She tried telling me this "I love you but I'm not in love with you" crap, without realizing up until that very evening, she was choosing to hold my hand, hug me, kiss me... I realized that "space break" we took, was in fact a true test of if she would possibly be comfortable doing this. A symptom she was already packing her emotional baggage and most of the way done.

Supposedly she asked family about it, and like supportive family members they told her "They respect her choice either way". She had been saying that the loss of her grandmother caused her to grow so fast even her therapist was concerned. I still hesitate to really call that growth, and I said as such. I didn't see how a lot of this could also be in the name of growth either, to not try anymore, walk out, and let it all fade. when there was the agreement to fight for each other- it was even in our damned vows. So I called my adopted family and here I am- progressively getting my stuff from the next city over- my birth city and now in a way my grave.

She can't keep the car, we kept that in my parents name for insurance purposes. I got most of my definitive things, like tech, clothes, and all. Were I sit as of this post, roughly about a month into the separation with no papers yet, we both too broke for that... But she says she's trying to save up for them. It's hard to say I was blindsided, but in a way I guess I was. It's damn complicated.

I've always hated myself, but that never stopped me. I'm a reluctant fan of negative motivation, but use it often on myself. In light of this I have had the worst time focusing on myself, but that's where I'm grateful for my dog. While he is also showing signs of grief, we are doing it together at least. Started exercising, kinda have a plan for life and moving out of the family home. Sometimes I'm lucky and for a bit the idea of getting back into dating doesn't seem too horrible. Instead of focusing directly on myself, I've been using my adopted family as a conduit to get more use to such things. But it all feels hollow, in the reflection of the family we intended on building. The ashes of such dreams being scattered quickly to the wind. The empty bed- or should I say temporary mattress on the floor.

Even if I have a void on the inside, no direction, and knowing we were doomed from the start. The hardest parts are having to be in contact with her, or going to get my things where she is hyper cleaning everything and actively erasing my existence and impact to that home. I can't even think about what was "my side of the bed". I go back and forth between "I am still here, I am still me. I feel like I shouldn't be. But for that I refuse to let this storm weather me, I have yet to be the true storm yet." and "I've wasted the last 10 years of investment, EVERY investment." with a hint of "There was someone else".

Final thoughts I suppose. Neither one of us were getting what we needed sure, but I really did believe we could overcome this, as we did so many other things in the past. I can't even think past tomorrow, not that I was ever good at that anyway. And truthfully I hope whatever growth or whatever she's chasing, doesn't satisfy her. I wish I didn't feel that way, but I am more stuck in the rubble and ashes than she is seeing as she emotionally walked out a while back.

This is a burner account but I'm down to BS I guess, get advice on going forward, wherever that'd be. Hell, tell me I ruined it by holding too tight- or that I am a narcissistic asshole. I'd prolly believe that too. At any rate, live well and make the best choices you can folks, thanks for reading.