My Love, My End.

I don’t even know where to begin with this-whatever the hell it is. An entry? A confession? Or just the abyss of my mind, spilled in black ink. The truth is, I can’t sleep. I can’t walk. I can’t move without you in my head. You’re everywhere. You’ve infected every thought, every breath. I am a shell…a walking corpse, drugged on you. Addicted beyond cure.

Your voice stalks me in my dreams, echoes through every fucking song. Every chord, every note-there you are. Your eyes, those merciless eyes I drowned in, still burn behind my lids. I go out to my balcony at night, scanning the sky for a light that could rival their glow. There isn’t one. There never will be.

I lie in bed wishing for your arms, but it’s just a mattress now-hard, cold, alien. Maybe that’s why I can’t sleep. My body still waits for your warmth, the touch I denied myself. We believed in the future so blindly that we thought we could save even a hug for marriage. What fools we were.

Nirvikar, You’re in my veins. Maybe that’s why they rise and pulse-because you’re all that’s left in me. You’ve seeped into my bones, and they ache like they know you’ve abandoned them.

You were my foundation. Now I can’t stand. You were my strength. Now every muscle fiber is unraveling into nothing.

I love you. God, I love you with everything that’s left of me-everything I am. You were my purpose, my drive. Every breath was not mine-it was yours.

We spoke of Kanha and Radha, but forgot the part of their tale where they never lived their love. Kanha left to fulfill his role. Radha stayed behind. They say she’s his eternal consort, but I’m not Radha. I’m not divine. I’m human, and humans break. You called me your Shakti. I didn’t even know what it meant until you told me… but now that power is fading, leaking from me into the dark, begging the heavens to take me, begging for oblivion.

Jaan, How could I ever forget you? You’re not in my heart-the heart dies. You’re not in my mind-the mind forgets. You’re in my soul, and the soul never fades. Whether I walk the rivers of Jannah or burn in the fire-lakes of Jahannam, I will call for you.

You know me-I’ve never bowed to anyone. I’ve never opened myself to another the way I did to you. You hold my secrets, my weaknesses, my fears-the ones no one will ever know. And yet… even in the frozen tundra of my soul, one word from you shatters the ice.

One command from you, and I’m yours. You’re the only one I’ve ever bowed to. I’ve begged you. I’ve laid myself at your feet, and I would do it again. No one else will ever hold that power over me.

Call it obsession. Call it blindness. I don’t care. You’re the shadow in every dream, the figure leading me to my end-and I follow willingly. For one last glimpse.

What have you done to me? What am I now? Life has no shape without you. Should death come by grief or by human hands, that’s for God to decide. But living without you is not living at all.

Marriage? How can I stand beside another man when his face is not yours? How can I sign a contract binding me to someone else, when my soul has already been claimed? Do you understand? How can I bring children into this world when you will never be their father?

That dream is gone. I don’t want it anymore. I’ve tried. I’ve had my chances. But I refuse-because it’s not you.

I tried with someone else. I left him. Maybe I hurt him, but staying would’ve been worse. I didn’t love him, never could. I searched for you in his face, and when the illusion broke, I knew. There will never be anything as pure as your presence in my life.

Nirvikar, I love you. Enough to let you go. Enough to want you to live the life you deserve. Go be the husband you prayed to be. The father you told me you wanted to be. Go love. Go live. And maybe one day, you’ll remember me. If you do-let it be with joy. If you can’t, if my memory weighs on you, then forget me. Erase me. Let me sink into my grief. I’ll survive-I always have. But you… my love… you must be better.

Just never forget this: I love you. I always have, and I always will. In this life, in the next, and into eternity-I love you.