Okay gang. I’ve had the Gaylor zoomies for 48 hrs now and as she keeps pummeling me with content I fear they aren’t going anywhere anytime soon. 

We’ve now seen the cover art and track list confirming what I always thought to be true: the leaks were real.

Now I have a whole other post I could make some of the track name and what I think about them, mostly The Fate of Ophelia, that for those of you who have followed the pumpkin anon messages over on Tumblr over the years might find very interesting.

But for now, I want to talk George Michael the incredible artist who was forced to closet until he was (I’ve had conflicted sites say 34 and 35) but either way, you’ll never guess who is also 35! 🤭

I will try to make sense of my findings and explain as thoroughly as a can what I think they mean. Who knows they might mean nothing at all, but that’s show business baby!!! ✨

1. Sort of speaks for itself. Forced closeting in Hollywood was still very much a thing in the 80’s-90’s who woulda thought? 🫠 

“I wanted to come out," he said. "And then I lost my nerve completely." Sounds a a lot like our failed sparkling summer if you ask me. 

"I don't think they were trying to protect my career or their careers, I think they were literally just thinking of my dad," he continued. "'Cause you know, when you're 19, that's as far as you think. You look at your parents: 'Don't tell your dad! My god, your dad'll hit the roof.'"

"We felt he just couldn't tell his dad," Ridgeley explained, adding: "We were 19, 20 years old. Our perspective was a little narrower."

Elsewhere in the documentary, Michael labeled his upbringing as "oppressive." His father also appears in an archival interview, describing himself as a strict patriarch.

"The three of us were so close at the time. But the point being, I really, really asked the wrong people," Michael said, seemingly referring to Ridgeley and Holliman, though he never specifies them by name in the doc as the people who pursuaded him to stay closeted.

"That is a pivotal moment," he continued. "At that point in time, I really did, I really wanted to come out. And then I lost my nerve completely. And just, by necessity, I went with full gusto into — in the progression of Wham! — creating a new character." 

(Creating a new character really stands out to me. It’s giving “I changed into goddesses, villains and fools. Changed plans and lovers and outfits and rules.”)

“In terms of my work, I've never been reticent in terms of defining my sexuality. I write about my life," he said at the time.

In the documentary, Michael revealed that he wrote the Wham! song "Nothing Looks the Same in the Light," from their 1983 debut album "Fantastic," about the moment he realized he was attracted to men.

"I'll keep my feet firm on the ground / Nothing looks the same in the light," he sings in the chorus. "There's a danger in a stranger / With a warm hand, then a kiss so right."

(Like I’m so sorry but that’s so “Dancing with our Hands Tied” coded.)

2. “George was thinking, ‘Yeah, I’ll just come out and say it,’ and I thought, ‘Well, how’s this gonna change anything for us?'” Ridgeley also told the publication. “The music’s still great and once the initial sort of hullabaloo is over, then it’ll probably be just that. But that was not the case, and George says that for him personally, that was the wrong decision.”

Michael’s decision to delay his coming out was based out of fear for “how his father would react, along with the press and the label,” Ridgeley said. “He was all ifs and buts, but the fact is the decision was taken not to make his sexuality public, and that personally cost him.”

He also said, "I define my sexuality in terms of the people that I love and my life right now is very happy living in a gay relationship.

"I'm very happy with that; I don’t look to the future and think I might change my sexuality because I’m hoping that my relationship is the one that is going to last me for the rest of my life."

(I just kept seeing “ I want to be defined by the things that I love” when I read “I define my sexually in terms of the people I love.”) 

In a later interview on BBC Radio 4's Desert Island Discs in 2007, George Michael reflected on his coming out. "I’d been out to a lot of people since 19," he said. "I wish to God it had happened then. I don’t think I would have the same career – my ego might not have been satisfied in some areas – but I think I would have been a happier man … Then AIDS changed everything. I was too immature to know I was sacrificing as much as I was."

George Michael never got married, but he had several long term partners. He was with art dealer and businessman Kenny Goss for 13 years, and at the time of his death in 2016, George Michael was in a relationship with celebrity hairdresser Fadi Fawaz.

3. One of the most popular pop stars of our time, George Michael has gone. Much of George’s life was spent in the closet. At least half of his career.  As I began to read and watch the various interviews (GQ, CNN, Oprah, Parkinson UK Independent etc) that he’d done since his coming out/outing it wasn’t hard to see the many common impacts of the closet.

Living in the closet impacts individuals more than they realise. It’s sad. From my experience of working with so many individuals trying to resolve their sexuality, I’ve definitely seen more of this than most. The longer one remains there the more damage is done.

Michael told GQ in a 2004 interview that he’d come out to close friends when he was 19 but only as a ‘bisexual’.  He often said conflicting things about his sexuality but usually came back to the point, as he did in a 2009 interview with the Advocate, admitting he was gay. Speaking about his time with Wham! in the 1980s, Michael said: “I used to sleep with women quite a lot in the Wham! days but never felt it could develop into a relationship because I knew that, emotionally, I was a gay man.’

For some gay men bisexuality is a safe space on their journey to accepting their gay selves. I remember the advice I was given when I went for professional help after resigning from the ministry. The Christian therapist suggested I was bisexual but that I had a homosexual addiction. It fitted much more comfortably for me to accept that. Gay/homosexual were not labels I wanted.

(This reminds me of the YNTCD bisexual wig her leaning into those colors at the time. Like if they can’t accept I’m gay, perhaps being bi will help ease them into the idea.)

When a person is in the closet they are in conflict. Conflict with themselves. There is a war going on. The real self seeks expression, life, but we suppress, we deny, we cover, we monitor, doing all we can so that none can see who we really are. This creates a fragmentation of self and stress. Over a prolonged period of time this impacts us psychologically. In 2009 Michael said ‘My depression at the end of Wham! was because I was beginning to realize I was gay, not bisexual.’

(Now if you’re over on Twitter you’ll see that the swifties have crucified us for suggesting Taylor suffers from mental illness but I’m sorry little miss stood on the cliff side screaming give me a reason begs to differ!) 

Another outcome of fragmentation of self is that some gay men begin to develop unhealthy behaviours. The gay self is perceived as the dark side. This dark self can create unhealthy behaviours such as addictions and obsessions fed by guilt, secrecy and shame. For some, that is connecting with other gay men at parks or public toilets. In Australia they are known as beats and in the UK known as cottaging. Something I have written about here. This practice is a left over from decades of gay men living with fear of arrest and/or imprisonment. Today they are places frequently visited by closeted  or heterosexually married men who don’t want to identify with being gay or connecting with gay venues or the community.

This was one way George Michael engaged sexually with men which eventually led to his  ‘outing’, when he was entrapped by undercover policeman and arrested for ‘lewd conduct’at a public toilet in Beverley Hills in 1998.

Here’s the interesting thing though. For me, I lived with what I would call a sexual addiction to beats for over 20 years. I call it an addiction because it felt like that. I needed a fix. I have detailed these experiences in my autobiogrpahy A Life of Unlearning. They were always brief encounters that involved mutual masturbation with no meaningful connection with the other person. Within seconds it could be over and I could get on with my life until the next time. The moment I accepted my homosexuality that addiction died instantly never to return again. I’ve spoken with others who’ve shared the same experience. It was the closet that fed the behavioural pattern we didn’t really want in our lives.

In the GQ interview Michael said ‘cruising was something he used to do occasionally when he was feeling bad about himself but that he no longer has that compulsion. I don’t need that thrill anymore and my sex life has become more conventional in a way. In general, I’m the happiest I’ve ever been.’

(Now I’m not suggesting Taylor is “cruising” but this use of “dark side” while closeting, seemingly living two lives in this article draws a parallel to the two (or three) Taylor’s in the anti-hero music video.) 

 Michael said many times that his eventual arrest and outing was subconsciously orchestrated.

In the 2007 interview with the UK Independent it said ‘He adds that hiding his sexuality made him feel “fraudulent”, and his eventual outing, when he was arrested for soliciting sex in a public toilet in Los Angeles in 1998, was a subconsciously deliberate act.’ This is something he repeated regularly when he did the talk show circuit after the scandal and on Desert Island Discs……   ‘I was absolutely tempting fate. I think I was sick of the secret.’

On the 1998 CNN interview he said ‘”I can try to fathom why I did what I did, but at the end of the day, I have to admit that maybe part of the kick was that I might get found out.’

This is also true. When one lives with fragmentation of self for so many years one becomes weary. You want it to end and you begin to take risks, subconsciously hoping you’ll get caught and won’t have to hide anymore. I did the same when I met Jason (A Life of Unlearning 3rd edition page 177). I knew the risks of seeing him a second time, something that was against my rules, but I was so tired of the battle.

(It’s giving the 1975 concert. A time where Taylor, to me at least, seemed to not give a shit like cmon put me please so I don’t have to do it myself. The tempting fate of it all.)

So often I have found that a contributing factor to people finally coming out is that they fall in love and realise that their homosexuality is not actually about sexual behaviour but a deeper sense of self that involves emotions. When they fall in love everything changes. 

George Michael found the same. In the 1999 Advocate interview he said ‘falling in love with a man that ended his conflict over bisexuality’ and  ‘I thought I had fallen in love with a woman a couple of times. Then I fell in love with a man, and realized that none of those things had been love.’

(I know my love should be celebrated.) 

“I was too immature to know I was sacrificing as much as I was.’

‘In general, I’m the happiest I’ve ever been.’

‘I don’t need approval from people who don’t approve of me.’

Asked if a burden had been lifted, he responded: ‘Oh god, yes.’

These words can only be spoken by a person on the right side of the closet. A person who has freed themselves from fear and shame, living a life of openness, freedom and authenticity.

This is why we work so hard to create spaces where people can find the courage to be honest with themselves and others; which is what coming out is essentially all about.

And every single courageous act of coming out chips away at the curse of homophobia. Most importantly it’s destroyed within yourself, and that act creates the potential for its destruction where it exists in friends, family and society.

And it’s never too late. It’s better to live one day on the planet being true to yourself than an entire lifetime which is a lie.

And with that I leave you with the 3rd and 4th slide:

The lyrics to Father Figure. 

Let know what you guys think and if you’d like a rundown of my thoughts on The Fate of Ophelia track. 

I can provide links to the articles if need be as well. 

Father Figure track confirmed so let’s deep dive into George Michael.