AITA for putting boundaries with my narcissistic controlling mother and enabler step father?

I’ve been debating posting this for a while but wanted some outside OPs so here’s the story, I (25 f) have a strained relationship with my mother (52 f), and step dad (44 m). Growing up my mother raised me as a single mother (for this I will always appreciate her hard work, and hours she put in to raising me) until I was ten and according to her bc of the stress of being a single mother I was abused physically and exposed to sexual content earlier than I should’ve. I only saw my bio dad once a week (on Sundays). Step dad (who I’ll call S for the sake of this story) came into my life when I was about 9 or 10, and married my mother a few years later. S compensated for my bio dad’s absence in many ways coming to school fairs and plays, covering for me financially, and I grew to love him, and crave a father-daughter relationship between us. S never laid a hand on me and was a good father, I always had clothes on my back and food on my plate but he was emotionally absent, and as I grew older he became distant and what little things we did together were replaced with group activities with my mom. If it came down to it my step father would *always* choose my mom. Furthermore my mother would try and be the classic highschool girl best friend however this would often lead to arguments since not only was I not stereotypically girl-ish but failed to match her expectations.

S was not a bad father but he would enable my mother, often telling me as a child to be the bigger person and rarely stepping in unless things got physical no matter how many nasty things she said. There would be times S would go on trips and things escalated he would return and only ask how my mom was. Admittedly there were times I had enough and would lash back out at my mom and my dad would scold me for not being helpful, however this made me more angry when he failed to hold my mother to the same standard. I was always told I wasn’t being grateful, how much they did for me and how I needed to prioritize family more (this continued throughout highschool to this day). Furthermore, my car, tuition, the actual door on my bedroom, the roof over my head were all pawn pieces for my mother to leverage power and make me do what she wanted.

My mother has not only been physically and verbally abusive to me but also my father and I think in his own way he’s too terrified to stand up to her and lose his wife. I think in his heart he doesn’t want to take either side of his wife or daughter however my mom is the worse out of the two of us, so he’ll take appeasing my mother to reject me over choosing me to face the wrath of my mother (especially bc they live together).

Sorry to add all this foreground but I felt it was necessary to get to the story.

Things began to escalate a couple years ago. In December of 2022, my mother, my step father and me went to Arizona to meet my step dads side of the family for Christmas (this was something we rarely did as my step father was in low contact with his family at my mothers request). This was rare bc other than my step father and I my mother has very little family she can fall back on, and I thought this was a good opportunity to grow closer. At the time I was thinking of applying to grad school but admittedly was slacking off on my studying especially cuz I was looking forward to seeing extended family. This frustrated my mother more and more, until finally when my step dads family, me and my mother were all sitting together, my mom began rambling about how frustrated, angry and shit-talking me in front of our relatives. I tried to redirect and so did my relatives but my mother kept escalating (my father the entire time said and did nothing). Somehow it escalated more and my mom jumped on S and began to hit him, I tried to pull her off of him, however she bit me and I retreated to the safety of my relatives afterwards. S restrained my mom to the floor while my mother cried on the ground. Somehow she got off the floor, and wanted to come towards me, however was blocked by relatives. When she was blocked, she ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife instead. At this point, me, my aunt, my uncle and their son vacated the house, and local law enforcement was called while my step father now tried to mediate. The entire time my mother screamed at me claiming that this was all my fault and that I wasn’t the victim here. A couple days later my mother and step father drove back to California, and I stayed with my grandma for a couple days.

I returned to California after a couple days and told my parents I would not be living with them and moved into an apartment. This is where I should’ve cut my parents off, I know. However this is just the tip of the iceberg of my entire life and when it’s the norm, you begin to feel desensitized to it and all the things your parents say eat at you until you’re wondering…maybe they’re right?

Over the next 6 months my mother tried to rebuild a relationship with me (this has also become a pattern), saying she was entitled to a relationship with me bc she is my mother and bringing me bags full of food (as a peace offering? To try and mend things? Idk). She kept on pushing me to have a relationship with her while going to a inpatient mental health program and doing lots and lots of therapy, insisting she’d changed and was better (to her credit she hasn’t done that since). My dad pressed too and said my mother had improved so I caved and in June of 2023 I went on a trip to Japan with her, my roommate, and my stepdad.

Since then I have lived in various locations keeping loose contact with both my parents while they paid both my phone line and I was on their healthcare plan. They used both to continuously accuse me of being ungrateful and that I should prioritize our family over my friends (which I have refused).

In December of 2023 I signed a year lease however rent was high and in June of 2024, I had a good amount of credit card debt, with little savings. My parents and I discussed moving in together and after laying down some boundaries (this was another argument but that’s a separate story) decided I could move back home temporarily for a couple months (I know not the brightest idea but hindsight is 20/20) while I recuperated financially and paid monthly rent for my old childhood room ($800 in LA so not bad).

Prior to moving in I had a 1:1 conversation with my dad since my frustration had built up so much and emphasized to him the importance of me feeling that he’s on my side too and that he’s my dad not just my moms husband, and that I want a relationship with him. and asked him to protect me from my mom. He received this well and said he would make a greater effort to meet my expectations.

The first few days I moved in the remainder of my stuff however the first day of the work week, my mother and I got into a heated argument and things immediately went downhill and she immediately crossed several boundaries I had in place, called me dumb for my decisions, refused to apologize, cut my phone line completely off and banned me from reaching out to my step father (she has also done this on several other occasions). I told S we couldn’t speak anymore however asked him to hear me out before formulating his op. He did not respond.

My mother wrote me horrible hateful messages such as; “You're going to end up on streets or get knocked up by some losers or end up in a shelter, but I don't know how to teach you a lesson unless you hit the rock bottom” and “I'll laugh at your face when all of your friends can no longer put you up.”

I showed all our messages to my friends and got two ops. Some of my friends justified and validated my feelings and reactions telling me I was not at fault while others suggested my mom may be right for some of the things she said, and that I shouldn’t’ve stooped to her level with some of the things I said back.

I know this seems like a relatively minor thing in the grand scheme but for me it was the final straw. In that moment she didn’t feel like my mother anymore especially if she was taking happiness with my grief and suffering. All the things she had said about changing felt like lies.

Since then she has spammed me with texts trying to reconnect, apologizing, wanting another chance to build a relationship. I have ignored most texts however share a therapist with my step dad and mother who has pressed family therapy, which I am not yet comfortable with. However it seems no matter how many horrible things my mother does she expects me to maintain a relationship with her and forgive her and accept her unconditionally. No matter how horribly she treats me, she also always highlights all the great things she’s done like the international trips we’ve been on, how she raises me as a single mother, everything she’s done for me and brief periods of time we haven’t argued.

My step father has also reached out to me again trying to restart our relationship however his lack of actions and constantly enabling her over 10+ years of marriage has left a bitter taste in my mouth. I have always been the one who gets the short end of the stick while he remains as her perpetual cheerleader letting her get away scott free, yes he has provided for me financially and attended my school events before (for which I will always be grateful), but he has been absent emotionally and failed to build any relationship (he even admitted the reason we don’t have a relationship is his fault but never made an effort to change that until now or unless I reached out to him with plans first). So does that make him my dad or just my mom’s dog?

I know I am blessed and privileged to come from a home with both parents and most of my essentials provided, I worry though I sound spoiled complaining about my circumstances even though there are benefits like the trips we go on, home made food, etc. and should jsut be grateful however what my friends and therapist said have been eating at me. Part of me wants to build a relationship back but idk if it’s possible or healthy. I would appreciate any advice if there’s anyway to mend this, or maybe a wake up call if I need one so Reddit AITA?