Upset

I'm trying so hard right now to not lose control. I'm stuck hating myself, as is my cycle. The cycle I can oddly never seem to escape. I always come back to it.

This time it's a bit different. This control I have over me. Before. I would've ran away and hid myself from everyone's sight. Hurting myself in the worst way I know how.

Keeping myself from the ones I love. From my friends. And the woman I love.

What a toxic cycle with me. It's different this time. I am in pain for what I did. But I'm just trying to bare it. To hold the pain in. Sitting with it. I'm not going to block anyone. Just till my friends I need space. And if they ask me what's wrong, I'll tell them. Maybe they can help me. It's not good to be alone when I'm This upset. I only have 2 good friends. And one really bestest friend. But I don't know what to say.

I'm still just fighting this urge I have to hate myself. I'm trying to forgive myself. Breaking it apart in my mind. Do I deserve to be forgiven? Is she the one who forgives me? Do we move on and inch our way foward?

I don't know. My mind I clouded by this hate I'm fighting. This hate for myself. For my foolishness. My eyes are so tired. I'm sad. I'm mad at myself. I'm happy that I found my bestest friend. And I'm disappointed in myself. For failing to be a good friend in return.

I just want her to be happy. That's all.

I don't want to be upset right now. I'm so emotional. Everyone tells me that I have good emotional intelligence.

And sometimes I have very bad conversation intelligence. I'm so stupid.

It's hard to be in an adult with everything. I get upset easily. I overthink a lot. I get insecure easily.

One slip and I lose a month of gained confidence. I need to love myself also. That's really important isn't it. It is. I'm scared.

I'm scared right now. My greatest fear peeks at me from the corner of my thoughts. Please not this time. I'll pay any price to the future. Any price. But keep my fear from me.