I’m just navigating my first ever relationships and it’s kinda hard

So, I’m 19 years old, a biromantic asexual female, and late last year started experimenting with dating. I’ve always assumed I was asexual as a young teenager, but it’s really hard to tell during puberty. Plus, it doesn’t help that the world doesn’t quite get it.

In December of last year, I started dating a boy five years older than me. What struck me about him was that I felt a sort of “punch in my gut” right when I saw him, so I knew he was special.

Right away, I made it no secret that I was queer, or rather, I hinted at it. When we had “the talk” on Valentine’s Day, I straight up came out and told him I identified as both bisexual and asexual. He only really got the first part, but I ran with it. As we got closer, I noticed I really liked cuddling and holding hands, as it felt sweet, and even found myself craving pecks on the lips, but I soon realised that making out just felt weird. I thought I would feel an explosion of emotions and sparks, but it really just felt slimy. I assumed it was because it was my first time, but it never got better (I also tried to kiss some of my friends for fun, still doesn’t ignite any passions in me), and he would really get excited, but to me it just felt like I was forcing my tongue, especially since he went kinda fast and opened his mouth a lot. This is still strange to me, because I enjoy watching people make out in movies and I am myself kind of a hopeless romantic. The only thing I remember really liking about making out was how he caressed and “kneaded”on the skin of my neck and hips while laying down and kissing. That actually felt good. Or the warmth of his arms while hugging me.

People tell me I’m just not good at letting myself go and just feel, and that is true to some extent, but what’s there to lose myself to if it feels like nothing?

Things got kinda messy and uncertain with this guy a couple of months ago (and I do miss him to death), and I recently started “dating” another one, this time 6 years older than me.

I must confess, I feel like a cheater even though I was never official with guy number one, especially since I pride myself on being a loyal person, but that’s besides the point.

One thing I noticed is that, when guy number two asked me if I was straight, I just told him I was bi. I completely omitted the ace part, knowing he wouldn’t quite get it. So now, apparently, I just say that I’m bi because it’s easier.

I’m kinda sad that I’ll never feel normal, never get to experience passions like other people and will never even get to fully accept myself, because, when I start dating, I have to pretend to be allo. Maybe I’ll get better with time, dating more people and learning more about myself, but it does really suck to feel like a robot unable of experiencing any sort of lust or deep love. Especially when I’ve waited so long to find someone who, not only liked me, but I felt a genuine kinship with.