Hey everybody, long time lurker here

Hey everyone, this is a throwaway bc of obvious reasons. I don’t even know why I’m writing this or where to start. So me (HLF-24) and my partner (LL?M-29) have been together for 9 years now. We were long distance at first, obviously, ‘cause we lived far away and because of my age too. We’re each other’s first everythings. We waited to have sex for about a year, and after that our sex life was good, really vanilla, but good,and consistent. We both came every time. We used to have sex every day, sometimes 2 or 3 times a day. Then, after like 9 months, he was like, “Maybe we shouldn’t have sex every day so it can feel better when we do it again?” and I was like, “Ok sure…” but honestly it threw me off. I started to kind of neglect myself. We went down to once a week or once every two weeks. I still wanted more.

One time I gave him head and he literally fell asleep. It was so humiliating. And it happened like four times. I get it’s relaxing and all, but still, not great for my ego lol. Before that he always came from my head or handjobs, so it was weird to me. And with him saying we should have sex less so it “feels better”? It was just weird, because before that we’d talked a lot about sex and he was so different,told me wild shit and then didn’t do any of it. He’s just vanilla, but why hype it up like that?

When we lived closer we had sex maybe twice a month, and I was okay with that because the circumstances weren’t great,we were at his parents’ house at the time. Still vanilla sex but good… just less than I wanted. After 3 years in the relationship we moved in together, and our sex life got very inconsistent and emotionally unsatisfying.

Then covid came and… I cheated. Not physically, but emotionally. I felt lonely, unseen, and panicked that my young years were being wasted, so I started talking to another guy. Just texting and photos, but I felt wanted. I felt sexy. I’m embarrassed about it to this day, but I stopped having sex with my partner during that time, partly because of that guy and partly because our sex wasn’t satisfying anymore anyway. The thing with the other guy lasted a couple of months, then it ended completely. But our sex life? That stopped too. For three years.

During those 3 years I felt ugly, sad, depressed (which I was even before this), embarrassed, and so bad about the cheating. I completely shut off and stopped taking care of myself. And the thing is, he didn’t even bring sex up. We lived like sex didn’t exist. We still hugged, slept together, used nicknames, did all the couple stuff ,except sex and kissing. At one point we hadn’t kissed in 3 years, just pecks on the face or mouth.

I even wondered if I was asexual, or if he was. I even wondered if I was lesbian or if he was gay. I thought about an open relationship because I felt sorry for him not having sex and didn’t want him to miss out. I literally told him, “If you want to, you can go have sex, I don’t mind.”

In 2024 I had a breakdown. I cried and told him everything. Asked how he could go years without mentioning it. Was it my looks? My weight? Was I ugly? He just said he loves me, I’m pretty, and he wants sex too. I told him it felt like sex was a chore for him, just to get me off, and that he didn’t enjoy it. He denied that. For a few months after that, sex was “ok-ish,” but then he started having trouble staying hard or finishing. I felt ugly all over again, like he was doing me a favor. He even got tested for testosterone and other things, but the results were fine. Then our sex life stopped again.

Now it’s 2025, summer. A few months ago I brought it up again, but calmly this time. I even joked to make it less awkward. I told him I feel awful because we stopped again and I want sex, but not if it’s a chore for him. He said it’s not. I told him I want him to be a little more dominant because I’m usually dominant in life but not in bed. He said ok, he’ll try. We hugged, had sex, he slapped my ass, I guess that was him trying to be dominant? But honestly, if we both enjoy it, that’s what matters.

We’ve had multiple times where he couldn’t come or stay hard. I always reacted calmly, told him it’s okay, we can stop, asked how I could help, told him it’s normal. I was supportive while dying inside. I still felt like it was me, I was the problem. I told him if he masturbates, to tell me, so I know not to initiate because it probably won’t work. I even suggested we both stop masturbating for a while and see what happens. Sometimes he finishes, but it takes longer. Other times he doesn’t finish at all and just goes soft.

Like today. We had sex 4 hours ago, he couldn’t come again. I suggested different positions, nothing worked. I told him to stop, it’s okay, rest. He said he masturbated today, maybe that’s why. I said ok, but pointed out that he’s had trouble even when he hadn’t masturbated. He said it’s the condom. I get that, but he can finish in a condom too, so it’s not just that. He knows I won’t have sex without one and accepts it. I don’t want to get on the pill, so that’s how it has to stay.

I told him I’m getting tired of this and don’t know how much longer I can keep initiating with passion when I get turned off every time this happens — while still being horny because it never feels complete if he doesn’t come.

So why am I writing this? I don’t know. I feel sad, ugly, defeated. I love him, I feel sorry for him, I won’t leave him because he’s the best man ever. But I’m hopeless, horny, and sad. Maybe I have too much expectations. Maybe Im the problem, and I should just accept how things are.. I feel like a monster.. And when we do have sex, it feels like a chore from him. Maybe it’s “duty sex”? I don’t want that. I want him to want me. I want passion. I want love. This is so hard. And embarrassing. Maybe I shouldn’t want that.. If you read all this, thank you, it’s messy and my English is not the best. Sorry.. Have a good night.