It’s hitting hard again and I don’t know anymore

I have BPD. I’ve turned my life around, quit alcohol, weed, on a specific diet and I lost 110lbs- my depression is worse than ever. My 30TH birthday is the 15 and I absolutely love birthdays, but I’ve given up on it. I’ve been disappointed and let down by everyone every step of the way and I’m tired of it (understatement). Every day I get up and try and it just feels like it’s Groundhog Day every day. I’m so tired of doing this and I just want it to end most of the time.

Ive done three inpatient stays, countless medications, therapies, support groups- nothing helps. I’ve done everything I can, including trying to change my attitude, but the depression keeps coming back, harder each time. I’m going to keep trying, but goodness do I just want give up. Thanks for reading.