i'm honestly terrified of the future

I knew I didn't want kids ever since I was a 10 year old girl. I still don't want them as an adult, as I believe that they make your life worse. The thing is, I'm an orthodox christian and would love to marry a christian man, but 99% of them want kids. If I marry any guy at all, I'm so scared of him convincing me to have a child, because I've always been so easily blinded by love. Even if I marry a guy that's childfree, he could always change his mind.

I'm sure it's not a life I would enjoy. I wanted to donate my eggs, but probably won't just because of the feeling that there's gonna be my biological child in the world, even if I'll never meet her/him. I feel so much anxiety just thinking about a future where I'm considering having a child, that I want to get permanently sterilised.

Another reason for this is that if I ever got pregnant by accident, I don't believe I would get an abortion or put the kid up for adoption. I will never shame or judge any woman for doing either of those things, but I personally couldn't bring myself to do it. But I'm still young, and there's this voice of reason telling me "what if you change your mind in the future", even if it's like a 1% chance.

Overthinking is a full-time job of mine these days, so I just wanted to put these thoughts out there. Also, I really hate the "you'll change your mind one day" comments - they might be the reason for my anxiety. Thanks for reading this. I love reading this subreddit and knowing you're all enjoying your childfree lives to the fullest!