I hate being in love

tw mentions of suicide, sh

I love him so much, but it hurts. I never loved anyone. I never thought I would. When we were outside for the first time, it was when we were going home from school, he lives in a village next to the city and then takes a car to get to his home. First we were walking around for like 45 mins just talking about music. Then he invited me to a concert (it was free, the city organized it), so we got drunk before. The concert was at 10pm, it was 8pm at that time. We were sitting on a bench, waiting for his friend to come. Meanwhile we were still talking about music, I asked if I can lay my head on his shoulder because, I wasn't drunk for a long time so I felt dizzy, he was caressing me. I vomited, I really shouldn't have had that much. He helped me clean my septum bahshsh. Then I lost it and he helped me find it. Then was the concert. Other times when we went out, it was mostly us having a deep talk, then getting drunk, he's so damn nice, I hate it. I laid on him again, after asking him, everytime I did I apologised after cause I didn't want him to feel weird. He put his forehead against mine. I helped him from his suicidal intentions when he was drunk and wanted to go drive his car. He bled so much, I was telling him few hours later how to clean it. His room was covered in blood, all his clothes. He helped me too when I was at my lowest. I never loved anyone that much. Or at all. I hate being in love, when I know he doesn't love me. I want to meet him again. He lives close, we could. I'll ask him. But after what happened tonight, I don't know. I had a paranoid episode, again. I feel like I ruined it.